ROTARY JOKES (from District website)

Change your course now

This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

- o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o

Gathering chickens

The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open.
Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighbourhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate.
Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.
"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."
"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."

Rotary Club of Cobram - 22nd January 2013

Tea for two

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favourite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mum came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was just the cutest thing!". My Mum waited and, sure enough, I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy. My mum watches him drink it up, and then she says (as only a mother would know):

Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

Some Famous Quotes

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."

"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."
Andrew Lang

"He had delusions of adequacy."
Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
Clarence Darrow

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." Moses Hadas
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.."
Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one."
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second .if there is one."
Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
Stephen Bishop

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
Paul Keating

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
Oscar Wilde

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
Groucho Marx