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While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old  daughter on my afternoon rounds.  She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age,  particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.  One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in  a glass.  As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth  fairy will never believe this!'  
 
 
Ed and Linda met on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.
 
When they discovered they lived in the same city, only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.
 
Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Linda to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Linda was indeed his soul mate and true love.
 
Every date seemed better than the last. On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Linda to a fine restaurant.  While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues.  So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life-changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut.  I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf.  If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"
 
Linda paused, then responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."
 
Ed paused for a while then said, "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
 
 
Three Contractors Bid On The White House Fence 
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.

One is from Chicago, another is from Kentucky, and the third is from New Orleans.  All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
 
The New Orleans contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. 
"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $9,000. That's $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."
 
The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $7,000. That's $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."
 
The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$27,000." 
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure? 
"The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$10,000 for me, $10,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Kentucky to fix the fence."
 
"Done!" replies the government official.
 
And that, my friends, is how the Government Stimulus plan worked.
 
Remember... Four boxes keep us free: the soap box, the ballot box, the jury box, and the cartridge box.
 
"I love my country; it's the government I'm afraid of  !! 
 
THE STATE TROOPER

A fellow bought a new sporty car and decided to take it for a drive.

He had it going 90 miles an hour when he saw the red lights spinning behind him

so he pulled over . The state trooper got out of his car and asked him why in the

world he was going so fast?

The trooper then said “Hold it, this is my last day on the force, so if you can give me an excuse I have never heard before I will forgive the ticket”.

The driver thought long and hard then said “my wife recently ran off with a state trooper and I thought you were bringing her back”.

 
 An Irish Story...
                               
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident,
a Claddaghduff, Ireland, man answered his door to find two
grim-faced Garda officers.  "We're sorry, Mr. O’ Flynn, but
we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen"
said one of the officers".
"Tell me!  Did you find her?"  Michael Patrick O’Flynn asked.
The Garda officers looked at each other and one said,
 
"We have some bad news, some good news, and some really
great news.  Which would you like to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, Mr. O’ Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."
The Garda said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but early this
morning we found your poor wife's body in the bay."
"Lord Jesus and Holy Mother of God!" exclaimed O’ Flynn. 
Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?"
 
The Garda continued, "When we pulled the late, departed
poor Maureen up, she had 12 of the best-looking Atlantic
lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her.  Haven't
seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you
are entitled to a share in the catch."
Stunned, Mr. O’ Flynn demanded, "Glory be to God, if
that's the good news, then what's the really great news?"
The Garda replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow.
 
"Never lie To A Smart Woman: A man (not a Rotarian) called his wife on the phone and said: “Honey I’ve been asked to go fishing in China with my boss for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get the promotion. So could you please pack enough clothes for a week, set out my rod & fishing box.

We’re leaving from office & I’ll swing by the house to pick my things. Oh, Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas!”

The smart wife suspected that something is really strange, but she still did exactly as her husband said.

The next weekend, the husband came home a little tired but looking good…

The wife welcomed her husband and asked if he caught many fish? 

He explained: “Yes, Lots of Salmon, Blue gill & a few Swordfish. But why didn’t you pack my blue silk pajamas?” 

She said: “I did…..They’re in your fishing box”. 

 

 ”.

An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost.  
Wandering about, he notices a lion heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
  
The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!”
 
 Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
  
Just as the lion is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious lion! I wonder, if there are any more around here?”
  
 Hearing this, the young lion halts his attack in mid-stride, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 
  
 "Whew!," says the lion, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!” 
  
 Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this  knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the lion So, off he goes. 
 The squirrel soon catches up with the lion, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the lion.
  
The young lion is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!”
Now, the old Doberman sees the lion coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says…….
  
 "Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another lion!” 
 
 Moral of this story…
 
 Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
 
ROTARIAN DENTIST???
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD? WELL .. YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE........ 
MY NAME IS PATSY, AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY
DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. 
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL . YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE. WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED. HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?' YOU WERE IN MY CLASS! I EXCLAIMED. 
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. 
THEN, THAT UGLY, 
OLD, 
BALDING,
WRINKLED FACED, 
FAT-ASSED, 
GRAY-HAIRED, 
DECREPIT, 
MISERABLE, 
SON-OF-A-BITCH 
ASKED..."WHAT DID YOU TEACH" ?



 Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one
could shout "Truck."
 
BOB & THE BLONDE
 
Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.  He sat down next to a 
blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
 
The 10 PM news was coming on.  The news crew was covering the story of a 
man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
 
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
 
Bob said, "You know, I bet he will."
 
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
 
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
 
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did 
a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
 
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob. "Fair's 
fair.  Here's your money."
 
Bob replied, "I can't take your money.  I saw this earlier on the 5 PM 
news, so I knew he would jump."
 
The blonde replied, "Well, yeah, I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do 
it again."
 
Bob took the money.
 
 
The Drugstore:
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the
pharmacist, looked straight  into his eyes, and said,  "I'd like to buy some cyanide.
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't
give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law!
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad
things will happen.
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in
bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a
prescription  
 
 BAD PARROT
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary..
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude.
John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed..
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly,
"May I ask what the turkey did?
 
 
 Wittle Wabbit...
A precious little girl walks into a pet store and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth she recently lost, "Excuthe me, mithter, where do you keep the widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice...
"I don't think my python really gives a thit."
 
    
 
 
 
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