Days 8-10 of the Maine Lockdown.
Three more notches in the 2x4. Had to sister another 2x4 to the notched one to keep it in one piece. I have smartened up and I am now making the notches with a utility knife instead of an axe. That should prolong the life of that side of my garage.
With the social distancing and time spent either at my desk processing literally 100’s of SBA Payroll Protection Program Loans which is like making widgets on an assembly line, I have time to reflect on the “can you image” things in the world.
Think back to the end of 2019 when we started hearing about the fact that the Chinese may have discovered a new virus that could be serious. They started talking about a City named Wuhan and there were references to someone eating a bat. Hey, China is a huge country with more people than Carter has little pills so that all seemed insignificant to us and the world. Well fast forward about 6 months, holy crap! Who would have believed we would be where we are today. It is the definition of this being a small world.
As I daydream I imagine…………
A few years ago my wife gives me a gift certificate to a fortune teller and I humor her and go in for my session. The fortune teller is an older woman with thick eyebrows, a silk wrap on her head and a dire disposition. The room is dark with tapestries hanging over the windows so only a small amount of light leaks into what appears to be a room with book cases lining the walls. The air smells of a combination of incense and body odor (perhaps that is me because I am a little nervous) I ask her to predict the future and after a lecture on how that is not how this works she precedes to do just that.
She tells me that Tiger Woods, the greatest golfer on the planet, is going to fall from grace, sleep around on his smoking hot wife with a Denney’s waitress among dozens (look no letters please if you happen to be a Denney’s waitress on the weekend or some, I have no issues with Denney’s waitresses and I am sure that they are all attractive enough to pique the interest of Tiger Woods), get beaten up by is now ex-wife and his game will go to crap because of injuries. The guy is one of the best conditioned athletes on the planet. Gypsy Lady, you are not only a fraud, you’re insane.
She says that Tom Brady will still be playing quarterback in the NFL at age 43 but he will be playing for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Okay lady do you have a drinking problem.
Joe Moreshead will buy a toilet that actually washes and dries your ass when you are done. Come on Lady, Joe is extravagant but who would ever need a toilet like that? (Side note here, Joe has one of these toilets, but apparently he does not use the dryer. I thought he had ass sweat, but I guess he just needs to stay of the dry cycle a little longer)
Then she tells me Mayor Don Pilon will join our Rotary Club and become president for two years in a row. Lady that is just crazy talk on so many levels. Our club has standards you know, but even if we let him in no one is president for two years in a row. That’s when she mentioned something about a bald Cuban and I almost left the session.
Then she got all political on me predicting the Donald Trump would become president beating Hillary Clinton in a close election upset. I called 911 requesting medical assistance, but during my call she went on. She said that in 2020 Joe Biden would run for president along with about 15 other people including some old fart from Vermont, Biden would get smoked in Iowa and New Hampshire and then go on to win the Democratic nomination. He then debates Trump who apparently runs for re-election and at the debate he challenges Trump to a pushup contest and starts by doing ten one arm pushups. At that point I am looking for the hidden camera in the room because I am clearly being Punk’d.
Finally she tells me that in 2020 a virus which originates from a bat in China essentially shuts down the world, causing markets to tank, precipitating recessions and forcing all of us to stay home for extended periods of time. I cry out: “Come on lady, I think you ripped my wife off when you sold her this gift certificate, you’re just making stuff up based on some movies you’ve watched!” And I leave. What a hack.
Okay, I have weird daydreams.
I will leave off these 3 days with this thought. After 9/11 we finally started to recognize the contributions to society by our first responders. You know, the people who run at a catastrophe instead of running away from it. It is during times like these that we must acknowledge that everyone who works in our healthcare system should also be honored for putting themselves at risk to help others. The doctors, nurses, aides and facilities people are all risking serious illness to help those who cannot help themselves. My daughter is a pharmacist at the Togus VA Hospital. As a clinical pharmacist she is not in a back room filing prescriptions, she is on the floor treating the patients. She has been assigned to a team to the ICU and I worry about her every day, but I also need to thank her for doing what she does because so many take granted the risks healthcare workers take every day and especially now. If you know a healthcare worker thank him or her just like you would thank any other first responder. They deserve our gratitude.
Days 11-14 of the Maine Lockdown.
Four more notches in the 2x4. My neighbor thought I was marking the heights of my three kids who are grown and have not lived at home for a while. My neighbor is a dumbass.
Another weekend at home. I have raked my lawn so many times it is bald. I have started clearing underbrush in my woods and the effort is getting personal. I swear I have cut every small tree, twig and plant in an area and I come back a little while later and there is still one solitary bastard just standing there twitching in the breeze. At that point the hell with the snippers, I fire up my Stihl chainsaw with the 18 inch blade and I send that little twig to oblivion. Yes, the lockdown can get to me.
Hell, I was incredibly excited to drive to Dayton (not sure I have ever said that before) to see if Gonneville’s Farm was open and it was! Holly and I got a soft serve cone and were as happy as if we had spent a weekend in NYC having seen three Broadway shows. Did I mention the lockdown is getting to me?
How many of you remember the episode of I Love Lucy when Lucy is working the assembly line at a candy factory and can’t keep up. For you younger members in the club “I Love Lucy” was an early black and white sitcom featuring Lucille Ball. Oh wait, television used to just be in black and white in case you did not know that. In any event, I have been processing SBA Paycheck Protection Program loans by the 100s and I feel like I am on an assembly line. Every business I can think of from churches to manufacturers and everything in between is applying and getting these loans which if you do it right are not loans at all but instead are grants.
For the churches, and for every other business for that matter, this program is pennies from heaven. I love looking up churches on the Secretary of State’s website. They are not in “good standing”, instead they are “legally existing”. I fully expected more than that. Their existence seems to transcend the law. Shouldn’t they be divinely existing or something?
I can tell you at the end of each day processing these loan documents I feel like Fred Flintstone punching out at the end of the day of the Rockhead and Quarry as I flip Mr. Slate off on my way out the door.
I don’t know about you, but I find myself talking to myself a lot during this lockdown. “No you don’t, yes I do and you know it. Seriously, I never hear you talking to me at all. Then you’re not listening, you dink!” I can be pretty hard on myself, I have a hard time winning an argument and I am funny as hell when there is no one around. I am guessing Heather McLean can talk to herself for hours. She probably has her own book club.
This PPP loan program is a wonderful thing. It will really help a lot of businesses, but there are some businesses that are still flourishing and they are applying for the loan as well. We all rail against socialism, but when we get a chance to feed at the free trough we wiggle our way in for our share of the feed. That, my friends, is the American/Russian way.
The “experts” (known in most parts of the world as peeping Toms) claim there will be a significant increase in births starting in late December and early 2021. Hell, not much else to do. I just hope to God no one names their kid Covid or Pandemy. I imagine those kids will be a little shy and introverted. They will probably stay away from crowds and many will be germaphobes. I have no idea why I think that.
We all have to sympathize with high school seniors. They are missing out on their spring sports, prom, senior night and graduation. Hell, with social distancing how many more kids will start their freshman year of college as virgins? Seriously, they are missing out on some of the greatest days of their entire lives due to a freaking virus that started a whole world away. It is beyond unfair.
Hang in there Rotarians, debate with yourself about the inequities that have been fostered upon our high school students, and try to laugh when you can. What else do we have to do? Oh wait, I forgot about all those kids who will be born in about 9 months.
Comments from the Peanut Gallery Part 2