• Lucie wins the award for the fastest transition from ringing the bell to starting the Pledge of Allegiance ever.  She did her best imitation of Speedy Gonzales, the superfast Mexican mouse of Bugs Bunny fame, who came to this country illegally 47 years ago and recently was granted amnesty by the Obama administration despite 3,457 speeding tickets and despite the fact that he is a mouse!  Yes, long before the bell had stopped emitting noise and long before we had stood up Lucie was half way through the pledge like she had somewhere else to go.  She insisted that she had to get back to work because those GPS tracking units are not going to install themselves.

• Best lip-sync award goes to Randy Forcier who, while he has been to 3 meeting in a row, clearly has forgotten the 4 way test and had to lip-sync it because he could not see it from where he was standing.  I am quite sure he was at least one number behind because his lips kept moving long after we stopped reciting.

• Worst Prayer ever award goes to our very own Fausto who got down on his knees, placed his palms together and recited very badly: “Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray to God my soul to keep, but if I die before I wake, I pray to the Lord my soul to take.”  Fausto’s version was something like that proving that such a bedtime children’s prayer does not translate well into Philadelphia-ese, but it was a bedtime prayer.  Furthermore, it is the creepiest children’s bedtime prayer ever.  The kid goes to bed happy until she prays and then realizes that she may not make it through the night.  It is not bad enough that the kid then lies in bed wondering if she is going to die, but then has the image of God taking a shop vac and sucking her soul out of her body if by chance death befalls her before dawn.  That prayer is fantastic for the counseling industry but probably mitigates the fear of the monster under the bed since the kid is going to die anyway.

• Best Prayer of the Day award goes to Laurie Jo who essentially beseeched God to undo all the crap that Obama and Hillary have done over the last 8 years including addressing war and world violence, hunger, pollution and the Clinton Foundation.  Paul Deschambault suggested it was a Trump rally prayer, but it was far too articulate to be anything associated with Trump.  Trump’s prayer would be something like:  “Donald (instead of God), thank you for making the world so fantastic again.  I thank you bigly.”

• Worst song meister ever award goes to Joe Moreshead who started the club out in the key of Z flat, emphasis on the flat, in singing God Bless America.  It was a combination of fingers on a blackboard, dying cats and Bob Dylan.  Could we go to singing once a quarter?

• The pace yourself award goes to President Elect, Jackson Brown, who showed up for his first meeting in quite a while.  He is being coached by Roland Gagne who is Jackson’s trainer, cut man and corner man.  Picture Roland as Burgess Meredith, yes the former Penguin on the television version of Batman, in Jackson’s corner imploring Jackson: “Pace yourself Jackson.  While I don’t really recall my year as President because I was seldom there, it is a long year so you need to rest up.  Don’t be a bum and overdo it this year.  You’ll need the stamina for the later rounds.  You almost burned yourself out on that damned auction, cruise for a while or you’ll never make it.”

• The new Mama award goes to Bronwyn Pottoff who just last week gave a happy dollar because her baby was due in two week and she had her daughter Etta the next day.  Being fashionably early is one thing but two weeks, that kid wanted out.  Keeping with the tradition of her mother, Etta’s real name is Ettangilariz Vanyileiaawe Potthoff.

• The drink like a bunch of bastards award will be shared this week by Julie Villemaire who continues to insight alcoholism to promote our Clynk giving program.  I believe she said: “Iz for da chitlens”, but I am not sure because she was filling a Clynk bag with empty fifths at the meeting.  She will share the award with Lucie who thought it was a good idea to confiscate as many free nip bottles as she could carry from her last cruise and give them to Ken Farley who promised to finish them before he made it back to his apartment.  At least he was walking, or trying to walk there.  Contributing to the delinquency of a Rotarian squarely violates the 4 way test of the 12 day plan or something like that.

• The best raffle tickets sales coordinator award (long name, great results) goes to Karen Chasse for refusing to go all mean on us even though she still only has about half the tickets in and sold.  She is going to be away next week on the taxpayers’ dime so please get your money to Lucie or Earl.  If you need another ticket please reach out to Karen who guaranties she will go all crazy if you don’t sell your tickets and turn them in at the last minute.

• Cheapest Person Alive Award (I called her a cheap bastard and was reminded that I should have used the term “cheap bitch” which seemed a bit more harsh while anatomically correct) goes to Bernice Wood who drinks 12 cups of coffee a day and 11 of them are supplied by her employer and who has one raffle ticket to sell and she has not bought it yet or sold it to anyone.  News flash Bernice, you can’t take the money with you so buy the damn raffle ticket.  Maybe you’ll win and you can squirrel away your winnings.  What fun!

• The newest holiday giving chair-person award goes to Julie Villemaire who is replacing Paul Deschambault after many years of ably running the event. Julie said her committee is looking for families who might need help at Christmas.  In true Julie fashion she already announced that the shopping for presents will be done on November 30 after the store is cleaned out on Black (racist I know) Friday.  I believe Julie will wrap the presents before we buy them, she’s so organized.  Please make sure that Sarah recruits the Interact kids because it has been a long time since I shopped for a 12 year old girl.

• Award for best introduction of the day goes to Lucie who literally read her Agenda that said: “Introduce Sergeants at Arms”.  I am sure her heart was not in it.

• The award for best happy dollars was a tie and goes to: Julie Villemaire for her husband making it through 12 rounds of chemo and for her new granddaughter.  Those are reasons to be happy.  Karen Chasse for refinancing through Jackson and saving some real money.  Okay so it wasn’t Saco & Biddeford Savings Institution, but that’s okay.  Paul Deschambault for suggesting that Laurie Jo’s prayer was a political statement for Donald Trump.  I believe that was a dementia dollar.  Carl Goodwin was happy he sold all 25 of his raffle tickets, which is incredibly impressive but a distant second to his brother Earl.  Carl, you’ll always playing second fiddle to your big brother.

• The award for the worst happy dollar goes to Dana Lane who was happy because the Falmouth boys beat the Thornton Academy boys in soccer.  First of all Dana, we are the Biddeford Saco Rotary Club so we should be cheering for Biddeford and Saco teams.  Second, they’re the Yachtsmen for God’s sake, of course they are going to win at soccer, cricket and croquet.  What the hell is a Yachtsman anyway.  I believe their team jackets are double-breasted blazers with copper buttons and epaulets topped off with an ascot.  Their team mascot is the Skipper from Gilligan’s Island.  If you’re expected to win, a happy dollar is totally inappropriate.  Now if they come down and beat us in football then a happy dollar is in order.

• Award for Rotarian dressed most like a former NPR pedophile goes to Joe Moreshead for his Mr. Rogers sweater.  It was a beautiful day in the neighborhood Joe.  Would you be my neighbor?

• Award for best setup man goes to Ken Farley who rigged the 4 way test banner to fall on Fausto’s head.  It was fair to most all people concerned.

• Rotarian of the year award so far goes to Lucie for her significant accomplishments of buying a new Rotary flag for Mechanic’s Park and for putting my name on the Past President’s plaque.  I do not think she can keep up this success all year.

• Award for worst question to our guest speaker goes to Paul Deschambault for asking Bryan Chabot, candidate for Probate Judge whether he has any former girl friends who are going to come back and haunt him like our present Probate Judge whose issues go far beyond a few failed relationships. 

• The Award for the best pick up line at Market Basket goes to: “Hey, want to share a pre-cooked chicken”, which was followed in second place by: “Hey, don’t waste your money on that Tylenol.”

• The Award for the greatest fellowship goes to the food drive on Saturday.  I worked with Lucie, Heather Gendron and Sabine (a/k/a Sabrina) and had a great time.  Lucie demonstrated her compassion by kicking out some poor guy trying to collect bottles right next to us saying, “Hey, we’re begging at this door, take a hike, bottle boy!”  Sabine shared some fascinating medical advice and impressed me with her self-sufficiency.  Heather agreed to heed Sabine’s medical advice.  The bottom line is that you can have fun and learn a lot at a Rotary hands-on project.  Man, do I feel a headache coming on.

• Award for the laziest electorate in the world goes to all the United States voters who allowed our two major party candidates to be Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.  The greatest country in world has produced two of the most disliked candidates in history, neither of whom deserves to be or should be president.  Having said that, however, we cannot compound our stupidity by staying away from the polls on Nov. 8.  We do have to elect a president and we do have to elect local officials and weigh in on some very important statewide referenda so please hold your nose and vote.

• Award for shameless plug goes to the Chamber of Commerce. A representative of the Chamber attended the meeting doubling the Chamber’s attendance for Lucie’s year.  The plug was for the Chamber’s holiday party and auction which this year will benefit our Red Ribbon efforts.  See the information follow-up story and do what you can to attend.

• Award to all of you, I am signing off now as your scribe.  Thanks to all who took the time to read my rantings. 

Total Raised:
$1,555.30

Containers CLYNKed:
28,497