Musings from a Former President

Posted by Bill Kany on Dec 12, 2016
 
 
 
Dear Santa:
 
            How are you?  I am fine?  Sorry I did not write sooner but our President, Lucie Kay, has had me so busy writing stuff for her that I have been pre-occupied.  Oh, thanks for the first installment on my Christmas wish list, but I said two feet on the ground in the mountains by Christmas and I’m holding you to it.  I know where you live old man.  Incidentally, don’t listen to Lucie Kay.  I have been nice all year and my employer paid its fair share of taxes so keep the snow coming.
 
            Despite our President, our Rotary Club has been very good at least during the holiday season.  I do understand your concerns about Matt Simmons (yes he spells it wrong, but forgive him as learning disabilities run deep in his family), but for the most part our club has been very well behaved.  I don’t believe Simmons heats with coal, but if you want to leave him some, knock yourself out like you do once or twice a year on the low mantels.  In fact, either directly or by enlisting the help of others, including the Saco Bay Club (naughty list, I know), we helped about 100 kids and over 30 families this year.  However, Santa we have reached our limit, so big guy with the incredibly high cholesterol and Type II Diabetes (give yourself a Fitbit), you have got to help us out with the rest of the families we cannot help.  We are hoping that as inquiries continue to come in that club members will refer people to you Santa as we have really reached our limit.  We don’t mind helping you out some, you fat bastard, but enough is enough.  Yes, I know the elves pension plan is killing you and Fed Ex and UPS are busting your balls, but step up and do your freakin’ job.  You work one day a year and all you do is bitch.  You should work at a credit union!
 
            So our club’s request is for you to help the rest of the families who really need the help.  I do have a few other requests for people who are just too damned busy to write themselves.  I really don’t know whether they are on the naughty or nice list but for the sake of this letter let’s assume they were nice at least once.  My list is in no particular order.
 
  1. Please give all of us bankers the gift that keeps on giving and give Trump a bigger pair so he will finally lead the charge and impose income taxes on credit unions.  I have no idea what you smoke in that pipe of yours, but even you are sharp enough to realize that the credit union gravy (sorry for the gravy reference, but stick with me here) train has gone on long enough.
  2. While we are on the subject of credit unions, see if you can bring our President a smile.  She could really use one.
  3. Please bring the aforementioned Matt Simmons an FF or Funny Fine.  He could really use at least one this year.
  4. It is getting cold so please bring Fausto a long sleeved t-shirt.  He needs to put the guns away until spring.
  5. Please bring Joe Moreshead a jacket.  Mr. Rogers called and he wants his sweaters back.
  6. For Jim Godbout, please make sure that you make it to his impoverished neighborhood of Kinney Shores.  Those poor people went years without proper boardwalks so Lord knows what else they may need.  While you’re at it hit the people in Bayview Terrace too.  They have gone without for long enough.
  7. If you’re feeling pretty generous and you have room in your sleigh, please bring men for Heather MacLean and Karen Chasse.  They really need your help there, but no Prancers for them.  If they are waiting by the fireplace when you arrive at their homes, run like hell.  You’ve got work to do.
  8. Bring Joe Bassett some new bells for the Salvation Army kettle stints.  The limp things he gives to us are useless.
  9. Bring Ken Farley a year’s supply of nip bottles.  Now you will have to check with Ken on how many are in a year’s supply but I’m guessing you’re going to need a bigger sleigh. 
  10. While you’re dolling out smiles bring one to Don Pilon.  He could use a laugh or two.
  11. Bring Bernice some luck.  She’ll need it with the upcoming auction.
  12. If you can find a yacht to drop in Sabine McElrath’s (no, I don’t make up these names) back yard by all means drop away, but if the yacht is out of the question how about a pre-cooked chicken? 
 
Before I go on I have to ask, are you in the witness protection program?  I mean you live at the North Pool and you have more alias’s than Whitey Bulger.  Come on, one day you’re Santa, then your Father Christmas, then St. Nick (you wish!).   Whatever you’re hiding from must be pretty dangerous given the fact that you choose to live in the middle of nowhere with a bunch of elves.  Hell, they’re so short Elaine Palmitessa is the center on their hoop team.  But I digress.
 
      I would go on with my list, but I have to work, unlike those credit union elves.  The rest of the club has been good too, so give them the rest of the year off from Rotary and we will start fresh next year.
 
Merry Christmas Santa and Members of the Biddeford Saco Rotary Club.    Keep up the good work and we will see you all in 2017!