A Scary Place To Be

            In anticipation of Halloween, I figured I would try to visit a very scary place.  I had a thought in mind and I headed to the UNE Robotic lab for some help.  UNE's robotic lab is absolutely incredible.  In a very short period of time, they were able to shrink me down to microbial size and place me in a self-propelled submarine-type vessel the size of a spec of dust.  They then secretly inserted me into Lucie Kay's ear.  Amazingly, there is a direct passage from Lucie's ear to her brain which is where I ended up on the morning of October 19.  Of course, surprise, surprise, Lucie was talking on the phone so she had no idea I had made it into her brain.

 

 

 

            Her brain did not disappoint me.  It was dark, cold and full of cobwebs.  If you have ever been into an abandoned empty metal warehouse, you have an idea of what it was like to be inside Lucie's frontal cortex.  My tiny feet echoed with each step I took.  There were wires hanging everywhere with sparks flying as they swayed back and forth.  In one corner there was this large generator-looking machine which appeared to be steam powered.  I realized it was the center of her brain.  Over in a corner I found this tiny rusted piece of equipment.  I dusted of a name plate and saw that it was the part of her brain that makes her smile.  It explained a lot.  I am not even sure it was working.  I was completely creeped out, but I was amazed that I could see out through her eyes and hear everything she could hear.  The scariest part, however, was that each of her thoughts audibly reverberated through her brain over what appeared to be the speakers from the TV show M*A*S*H.  I could actually hear her every thought and those thoughts chilled me to the core.

 

 

            At 12:13 (why 12:13 I have no idea) she thought, “well here I go again.  I wonder if these idiots will listen to me today” as she rang the bell.  The din in the room continued.  She thought, “oh my God, what do I have to do shoot someone?  The hell with them, I'm just going to jump into the Pledge of Allegiance.  Just think I could be making mortgage loans at the CU but instead here I am herding these damn cats again.  I pledge allegiance…."

 

            Her thoughts continued to ring out over her PA system.  “Hell, who did I say would do the 4-way test?  Oh yeah, Sue Gajewski.  Let's hope she can make it through 1 through 4.  Phew, made it without incident, not bad, now let's try the invocation with Joe Moreshead.  He's usually good for a quick nap.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, God this blah, blah, blah.  Finally, Amen.  Let's see, no song this week.  That's something to thank God for.  Now, oh yeah, I wrote on my agenda, "smile."  There, I got that out of the way.  Now I can let these hooligans sit down.”

 

            Lucie then introduced Bernice to introduce visiting Rotarians and guests.  "How hard can that be?"  Bernice had one guest to introduce.  It was State Rep, Marty Grohman, but Bernice introduced Martin Foreman, a visiting Rotarian.  Close!  At that point Lucie launched into a series of announcements.  Bernice reminded us all about the October 29 food drive at the Biddeford Hannaford and Market Basket.  Bernice told us that she will email the list out of who is working.  Then Lucie thought, "Come on Bernice, it’s a food drive not a cattle drive, move it along."

 

            Karen Chase reminded everyone about selling their raffle tickets and getting the money in.  Raffle night is November 17 at Duffy's.  Lucie:  "I hope we sell all the tickets.  If we sell less than 250 during my year, I would just die.   Of course, Earl would probably kill me anyway."  Karen actually promised to bring out the mean Karen if the money for the raffle tickets is not in next week.

 

            “Oh God, I can't believe Bill Kany, the freak, is not here.  Who's going to write the Tack?  Hey, not my problem.  He could be a little more dependable.  Man, I've got a headache, feels like someone is walking around in my head.  Oh, agenda says "smile."  Ow, that hurts.”

 

Brian Dallaire did his Rotary Foundation minutes which took about 45 seconds.  He told all about Polio Plus because World Polio Day is on October 24.  2.5 million children have been immunized worldwide.  There are only two countries left with endemic polio and Rotary has raised $228 million to eradicate polio!

 

            Lucie thought: "Seemed like the Foundation hour.   Why did I start these minutes anyway?  She reminded us that the week of October 24 is Red Ribbon week please so wear your Red Ribbons.

 

            What a view up here.  I can see everything.  Heather Gray stockings; Randy Forcier attending two weeks in a row; and Delilah was back (sounds like a song).  She came back and immediately won the 50/50 though it took her forever to realize it was her winning ticket.  Lucie: “Come on people how freakin’ hard is it to see that you have the winning ticket, I’ve got some consumer loans to make.”

 

            Paul Deschambault let us know that the new Rotary flag will be raised in Mechanics Park at 1:45 on October 26, right after the meeting.  It echoed out in Lucie's brain, "it will probably rain!"

 

            Time to introduce the sergeant-at-arms.  Lucie subconsciously pleaded; “I just hope they don't fine me too much.  The credit union will only pay so much in fines.  Boy, if they ever have do pay income taxes, this gravy train is over.  Let's see what happens.”

 

            “Geez, happy dollars, how can these people feel happy.  Obviously, they don't live with their mothers-in-law.  Let's get through this.”

 

            Adam Parent was happy to join the club.  He was in Interact.  Lucie percolated, "It's about time Interact gave us a member!”  Heather McLean met Bill Clinton at Dartmouth, but refused to testify against him.  She said she touched Clinton but when asked Bill Clinton swore: “I never touched that woman, but wait what is your definition of touch.?”  Hillary immediately sent Heather a nasty letter telling her to stay away from her husband at least until the election is over but ended by saying she supports all rights of women everywhere, Vote Hillary.  Of course, Heather wore a Dartmouth Green mini for the visit just like my Mom used to do. Dr. Joe had a good dental reunion, his 40th and most still had their teeth.  Joe Moreshead is voting for the Seinfeld and Castanza ticket.  Lucie wondered, "Are they the Libertarian candidates?"  Bronwyn gave a happy dollar for two weeks to go to her baby though Sarah Neault interjected that means anytime.  Lucie pondered:  "Yeah, when you've had 3 or 4 kids already, they can drop out  anytime."

 

            Then sergeants Matt and Sarah fined a few, Adam Parent fined for going casual now that he takes Rotary for granted.  Joe Bassett, who apparently has forgotten where babies come from.  Chris Indorf did his best Molly Ringwald impression, Pretty in Pink.  Lucie thought "What was he thinking?"

 

            Apparently, Matt Simmons stands in front of the office in a foam dollar bill costume and Elaine Palmitessa refuses to waive to him.  "No shit" echoed through Lucie's head.  Karen was fined for telling the truth, we suck at seeing:  Yes and bears poop in the woods.  Fine her for that too.

 

            Man, I just noticed Lucie's hair roots.  They are not red, but I digress.

 

            While eating, Lucie bragged about installing GPS tracking devices on cars her CU finances.  She thought "Now I'll know everywhere my little deadbeats go."  Just imagine the sheer power of having a tracking device on all your customers cars.  Just imagine if the Russians hacked those devices.  They can do more than influence elections.

 

            Our guest speaker was Finn Melanson from the League of Women Voters.  Lucie wondered, "I thought Finn was a woman.  It is the League of Women Voters, what the hell.  What kind of name is Finn?  Freakin Huckleberry. Maybe he identifies as a woman voter."

 

            Finn Melanson gave us a very good explanation of ranked choice voting.  It is question 5 on the ballot on November 8.  With ranked choice voting, voters can rank candidates first, second, third, etc.  If no candidates get a majority, the candidate with the least votes is dropped off and the second and third place votes received by the candidate who is dropped are allocated to the remaining candidates until one gets a majority.  It would be used for governor, the legislature and United States representatives and senators.

 

            Ranked choice voting means the winner always will have a majority of the votes.  Our current system allows the candidate with a plurality to win, in other words with the most votes.  Ranked choice voting may discourage negative campaigns because no candidate wants to piss off the electorate.  Lucie; “Yeah right, I’m pissed off just listening to this.” Lucie further interjected:  "What the hell is he talking about.  I've got work to do.  I've got GPS units to install.  Why is the club asking so many questions.  Maybe I should just ring the bell."

 

            I told you it was scary in her head.  Geez.

 

            Bottomline, we would be the first state with ranked choice voting.  It might violate our state constitution.  It might make things better, but it will deviate from almost 200 years of state history.  Lucie thinks "Hey if it's good enough for Lewiston, it's good enough for Maine, let's go!"

 

 

            It was an educational talk which will give us all something to think about.  I should note that Finn felt question 5 on the ballot was the most significant.  I imagine others feel the pot question is the most important.  Lucie thought, "the minimum wage question is the biggest one.  If it passes, the credit union's payroll will double!"

 

            Right then I knew I was in one of the scariest places on earth.  Lucie rang the bell and sneezed and I flew out and headed to UNE to get big again.

 

            I left my vessel behind.  It has a GPS tracker in it.  Knowing where she goes will be downright petrifying.

 

            Happy Halloween.