A FLY ON THE WALL

 

            Have you ever heard the expression, “I would like to have been a fly on the wall at that meeting”? Well, I’m a fly and I wondered what it would be like to be a fly on the wall at a Biddeford Saco Rotary Club meeting.  Well, I can wonder no more.  I stowed away in the crazy hair of that lady who stood behind the podium during the meeting and never smiled.  I’m telling you it was a jungle in there.  I almost passed out from the hair spray residue.

 

            When I escaped that tangled hell I headed to the south wall to observe this thing called Rotary.  Frankly, it was no dung heap.  Not too exciting at all.  I heard people saying “boy I hope Kany isn’t so tough on people in this week’s Tack.  Well Kany ain’t writing this Tack, I am so give up on the idea of unicorns, kitties and balloons.  We flies live in crap all day so we tend to tell it like it is. Incidentally, my name is Musca Domestica, yes I’m Latin.  I’m a drinker (Google it!) so pardon me if I nod off every now and then, kind of like Nelson.

 

            I guess the lady with the hair is called Lucie.  She has a hell of a time controlling a meeting.  A good bug zapper (sorry, I’m chocking up.  One of those damn zappers took out my whole family, those dumb asses) would bring that group in line.  Seemed like a pretty good crowd for their meeting.  I guess the metro-sexual guy with the pink and white check shirt (more on that later) is a pretty good draw.

 

            Lucie asked some scruffy guy who hadn’t shaved for weeks to recite their cult mantra.  He had a uniform on but I think he works at the transfer station.  I swear I saw him there.  Impressively, he could read because he read that cult message word for word including the numbers.  Even a stupid fly like me can remember four numbers without a teleprompter.

 

            I think that Lucie got her dress from the Von Trappe family though the metro-sexual asked her about her pussy ribbon.  I have no idea what that is so I would suggest you Google it in the privacy of your own porta potty where I do most of my computer research.

 

            So Lucie gets done with a few announcements and asked that nice man, Bill Kany to come up.  Apparently Kany has been driving around with one last award in his car (kind of like Randy Forcier driving around for months with checks in his car when he was treasurer) and he finally got around to giving it out.  He gave the award to that same scruffy transfer station guy who turns out to be a police officer (I love their horses).  His name was Ray Demers and he got a Paul Harris Fellow which I hear is a big Rotary award.  I guess this Ray is a pretty good guy who deserved the award though he looked like a hobo dressed up like a cop for Halloween.  Congrats to Ray on his award.

 

            Lucie announced that she got a new flag for Mechanic’s Park.  I hate flags.  They take up too much air space.  I guess it was a pretty big accomplishment for President Lucie to secure this flag.  They should have taken a picture.  She gave it to another scruffy guy named Paul to run up the flag pole which he said he could arrange.  Why do you need to arrange to put up a flag? 

 

            Lucie had to remind the group that there are only 74 days until Christmas.  She was looking for suggestions for families who might need help from the Club’s Christmas giving program. It certainly reminded me that I have to get shopping for more crap (literally).  I have 1,000s of cousins to buy for but no immediate family (bug zapper, sob).  What am I thinking, I have a life expectancy of 30 to 60 days (Google it!) so I will be dead.  No need to buy presents, one benefit of being a fly.  It was also announced that the Salvation Army bell ringing will be on December 16 and that wicked sharp Matt Simmons asked what time.  Unfortunately, for him he’s a little slow.  All that holiday talk was making me sick.

 

            Karen Chasse (sans striped dress I heard about) announced that raffle ticket sales have started.  Josh Ellis sold all of his (one!).  Hey Josh why not bust your ass and double your annual output?  Some guy named Earl sold 16 tickets already.  I’m buying my ticket from him. I hear he sells all the winners.

 

            Oo, sorry, cramp in my sixth leg, I’m going to take a break and fly over to Bernice’s area.

Bernice, working on her 12^th cup of coffee for the day in her special mug (she has no idea I landed on the rim of that mug and well you know) announced the stuff the truck food drive event of October 29^th.  She said there was still time to sign up.  She said the Saco Bay Club is not stepping up.  I have been on the wall of one of their meetings too and I’m not surprised.  Definitely there are flies all over them.

 

            It was announced that the Biddeford High School Interact Club has around 50 members and they meet each week on Wednesday at 2:40 for about 10 minutes.  The Club is looking for some members to attend their meetings.  Ken Farley said that brevity is king with teenagers.  Not sure where he was going with that.

 

            A guy named Roland Gagne got a bunch of applause (clapping hands make me nervous, but I can clap my wings 200 times per second, Google it!) for his District and Global Grants totaling $186,501.00 for a school for refugees in Jordan.  He said that this Club will be doing a bunch of the accounting because sending money into Jordan may not have the desired effect.

 

            Sue Gajewski, who said she went on vacation but she doesn’t work so I am not sure how you go on vacation when you don’t have a job, announced that Martin Chance from the Bideford (they clearly don’t know how to spell), England club is in the area and they were going to lunch.  I’ll see if I can get in on that.  I love free food.

 

            Jim Godbout got up (I have seen him around a fewer sewer holes) and let everyone know that the 3 area school departments are implementing drug awareness programs including starting the All Star program at the 5^th grade level in all 3 school systems which is good news.  He also thanked Rob Moody and his nephew for helping cut down an 80 foot silver maple at 471 Main Street.  Rob described himself as the tree catcher.  Apparently his javelin catching career is over. 

 

            A guy named Matt Simmons got up to be Sergeant at Arms all by himself.  You think it’s tough looking at him, try looking at him with 4,000 eyes (Google It!).  I mean it was scary.  He collected a bunch of what he called happy dollars which is probably what I would pay when I find some warm road kill.  James Audiffred gave a dollar because his face healed and me and my 4,000 eyes are not going to swing at that softball.  Dr. Joe said his Norwegian exchange student from 40 years ago is coming back to visit him and he is going to his 40^th dental school reunion.  How old is this guy?  Ken Farley went on ad nausium about finding his sunglasses months after the combined meeting with the Sunset Bay Club (they’re meetings suck, no food).  Imagine the length of the story if they had been prescription sunglasses.  Christ his story lasted 5 fly years.  Sue Gajewski gave a happy dollar for her vacation which can’t be a vacation because she doesn’t work and why do you give a happy dollar when you come back from a so-called vacation instead of giving one before you leave when you are really happy?  Karen Chasse’s daughter came home from college and Karen was happy.  You just cleaned out the nest and you’re happy that she came home?  I couldn’t wait to see my 2,000 kids leave but of course they all flew into that dam bug zapper (wiping 5,000 tears).  Matt Simmons gave himself some money because his kid got the Charlie Hustle Award which I am guessing means his ten year old kid bet on his peewee football team to win even though he was playing in the game.  He also paid himself because his son made the A Team for the Maine Lightning travel baseball squad.  Clearly, he got his athletic prowess from his mother.  Some guy named Randy Forcier crashed the meeting claiming he is a member and gave a happy dollar because his daughter turned 2 (keep her away from the bug zappers) and he just got back from vacation.  Again, happy why?  And this lady, yes I said lady, Sabine McElrath (Google It!) gave a happy dollar because she wasn’t roasted in the Tack last week.  Clearly an oversight.  I mean what were her parents thinking when they came up with the name, Sabine.  No one, and I mean Bernice, spells it right and no one pronounces it right.  Maybe they meant Sabrina and there weren’t enough boxes on the Swiss Birth Certificate form.  I mean the Sabines were an ancient Greek culture (Google It!).  Sabine women were kidnapped by Romans to populate Rome.  Huh.  Now that I know that, it is kind of a cool name.

 

            That Lucie person introduced a new member who she called Adam.  I guess his full name is Adam Parent and he is a new member to the club. Hey, Adam if you had been a fly of the wall you could have saved yourself.  Too late now.  Lucie actually used a little inflection in her voice in welcoming Adam into the Club, but she tortured the cool Tom Brokaw quote.  Highly memorable.

 

            Then the metro-sexual guy got up.  I’m moving over to get a better view.  Hey, I can fly 45 miles an hour (Google it!) so I will be there before he finishes clearing his throat.  Huh, kind of a clear area on the back of his head to land on, no I’ll stay on the wall.  I swear he made his shirt from a table cloth I landed on at a gay pride picnic.  I may be wrong.  His name is Joe. Joe talked about the history of manufacturing in Maine.  He related with fondness the 1936 strike by women workers that had to be spelched by troops sent in by the governor.  Nothing worse than a woman with a flyswatter in her hand!  I got the impression from Joe that Maine has never been a huge manufacturing state though things certainly took off after WWII when the middle class emerged.  But even back then labor shortages hamstrung industry like today and progressive policies and globalization may have held Maine manufacturing back. 

 

            He described the history of his family’s company as going from the mass-production of parts (for high heel shoes no less) to producing small highly precise runs of parts.  He related that his company went from a high of 97 employees (1987) to a present 25 with ups and downs in between.  He described how so much high volume manufacturing is going to other countries with lower wages, and overall lower costs leaving manufacturing in this country with the more precise lower volume work but without the skilled labor to do the work.  Joe talked about the need for skilled experienced workers who he steals from other shops and the big guys like Pratt Whitney steal from him.  Clearly there is a need to encourage young people to consider manufacturing as a great career and if we do not start producing more workers with the technical and soft skills manufacturers need, more and more jobs will be leaving our country.  Jim Godbout blamed it on child labor laws and he is probably right.  A few 12 year olds lose a limb or two in a machine and Congress panics. 

 

            Joe’s talk was interesting and generated some good input and comments.  A little heavy for a fly, but what the hell. 

 

Off to the dump for some good eats.  I have no idea who said, oh to be a fly on the wall at a Rotary meeting, because I have more fun hovering over a freshly filled trash can.  No offense of course.  Oh, and if you see a fly don’t swat it, it could be one of my cousins and heck we’re going to die in 30 to 60 days anyway (Google It!).