MACDUFUS
The Lamentable Tragedy of Allen Macdufus, Thane of Horton
ACT I
SCENE I. A restaurant in Aurora.
Thunder and lightning. Enter three lawyers
SCENE I. A restaurant in Aurora.
Thunder and lightning. Enter three lawyers
First Lawyer
When shall we three meet again
In thunder, lightning, or in rain?
Second Lawyer
When the hurlyburly's done,
When the battle's lost and won.
Third Lawyer
So, about noon.
First Lawyer (exasperated)
Yes! Noon.
Third Lawyer
Then why didn’t you just say so?
Then why didn’t you just say so?
Second Lawyer
We were trying for a little style, a little poetry.
Third Lawyer
Whatever.
First Lawyer
Where the place?
Second Lawyer
Upon the Summit.
Third Lawyer
There to meet with Macdufus.
A bell within
First Lawyer
A drum, a drum!
Macdufus doth come.
A drum, a drum!
Macdufus doth come.
Second Lawyer
A drum? I heard a bell.
First Lawyer
Bell didn’t rhyme.
Enter MACDUFUS and POGUE
MACDUFUS
So foul and fair a day I have not seen.
MACDUFUS
So foul and fair a day I have not seen.
POGUE
What are these
So wither'd and so wild in their attire.
They look as if they spent their youth in a library?
Don’t you ever get any sun?
That look not like the inhabitants o' the earth,
And yet are on't? Live you? or are you aught
That man may question?
MACDUFUS
Speak, if you can: what are you?
Speak, if you can: what are you?
First Lawyer
All hail, Macdufus! Hail to thee, Membership Chair!
Second Lawyer
All hail, Macdufus, hail to thee, Past President!
Third Lawyer
All hail, Macdufus, thou shalt be Smoky Hill president hereafter!
POGUE
Good sir, why do you start; and seem to fear?
If you can look into the seeds of time,
And say which grain will grow and which will not,
Speak then to me, who neither beg nor fear
Your favours nor your hate.
First Lawyer
Hail!
Second Lawyer
Hail!
Third Lawyer
Hail!
First Lawyer
Lesser than Macdufus, and greater.
Second Lawyer
Not so happy, yet much happier.
Third Lawyer
Thou shalt be president of Smoky Hill, but thou shalt not incur the wrath of the three counselors, for thou art wise enough not to tell bad lawyer jokes:
So all hail, Macdufus and Pogue!
MACDUFUS
Stay, you imperfect speakers, tell me more:
By Sinel's death I know I am Membership Director and Past President;
But how president again? You would have to be a complete idiot to do that twice.
Say from whence
You owe this strange intelligence?
Speak, I charge you.
Lawyers vanish
POGUE
The earth hath bubbles, as the water has,
And these are of them. Whither are they vanish'd?
The earth hath bubbles, as the water has,
And these are of them. Whither are they vanish'd?
MACDUFUS
They’re over there by the podium, plotting my destruction no doubt.
Or worse-preparing their bill!
POGUE
New horrors come upon you! Alas the day you tried to be funny!
MACDUFUS
Horrors are not new to me. I am a lifelong Indians and Browns fan. Come, friend.
Horrors are not new to me. I am a lifelong Indians and Browns fan. Come, friend.
Exeunt
ACT II
SCENE I. At a back table. In the middle, a boiling briefcase.
Thunder. Enter the three Lawyers
SCENE I. At a back table. In the middle, a boiling briefcase.
Thunder. Enter the three Lawyers
First Lawyer
Thrice the brinded cat hath mew'd.
Thrice the brinded cat hath mew'd.
Second Lawyer
Thrice and once the hedge-pig whined.
Third Lawyer
Stop! Stop! We are not doing this again!
First Lawyer
Can’t we at least do the double, double bit? I really like that part.
Third Lawyer
Alright-but that’s it!
ALL
Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn, and briefcase bubble.
Second Lawyer
By the pricking of my thumbs,
Something wicked this way comes.
Enter MACDUFUS
MACDUFUS
How now, you with your secret, black, and midnight Rotary classification!
What is't you do?
MACDUFUS
How now, you with your secret, black, and midnight Rotary classification!
What is't you do?
ALL
A deed without a name.
MACDUFUS
A deed to what? If you think I’m deeding my house over to any of you, think again.
Second Lawyer
Not that kind of deed.
MACDUFUS
You did prophesy that I should be president a second time.
I conjure you, by that which you profess,
Howe'er you come to know it, answer me:
Is it true, or are you just messing with me?
Will you answer me?
First Lawyer
Speak.
Speak.
Second Lawyer
Demand.
Third Lawyer
We'll answer-for $200 an hour.
MACDUFUS
Why do I have to be president again? Have I not done enough that this should pass from me?
ALL
Seek to know no more.
MACDUFUS
I will be satisfied: deny me this,
And an eternal curse fall on you! Let me know!
First Lawyer
Show!
Show!
ALL
Show his eyes, and grieve his heart;
Come like shadows, so depart!
An apparition of Eight Presidents appears, including the ghost of Macdufus himself
MACDUFUS
Why do you show me this?
What, will the line stretch out to the crack of doom?
I'll see no more:
Horrible sight! Now, I see, 'tis true;
Why do you show me this?
What, will the line stretch out to the crack of doom?
I'll see no more:
Horrible sight! Now, I see, 'tis true;
Apparitions vanish
What, is this so?
What, is this so?
First Lawyer
Ay, sir, all this is so: but why
Stands Macdufus thus amazedly?
You speak of curses; you who tell lawyer jokes, and bad ones at that.
Think you that the three of us have no curses of our own?
Farewell, doomed one!!
Music. The lawyers dance and then vanish
MACDUFUS
Where are they? Gone? Let the pernicious hour when I tried to be funny
Stand accursed in the calendar!
Exit