LAUGHTER, THE BEST MEDICINE
Knock, knock, Who's there?
Alpaca, Alpaca who?
Alpaca the trunk you pack the suitcase..
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Saw the worst mind reader ever last night..
Mind reader: "Think of a card, any card."
Me: "OK"
Mind reader: "Visualize it in your mind."
Me: "OK"
Mind reader: "Is it the Nine of Clubs?"
Me: "No"
Mind reader: "Ace of spades?"
Me: "No"
Mind reader: "What is it then?"
Me: "Happy Birthday"...
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Saw someone driving with a crocodile reading a map in the passenger
seat. I asked what was going on, he said "That's my Navi Gator".
I asked my girlfriend to marry me today. She said yes but refused to
change her name. I wanted to call her Tracy so I didn't have to get my tattoo removed.
Yikes! After having a tooth out at the dentist's today. I think
I'm gonna need a loan to bridge the gap.
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Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'
'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'
'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'
'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'
She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'
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I met this chap at the Olympics. I said to him "Excuse me but are you a pole vaulter?". He replied "No, I'm German, but how did you know my name was Walter."
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Tom wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.
To find out how Tom would react under pressure, the inspector asks him: “What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?”
Tom says, “I would switch one train onto the other track, thus averting a disaster.”
“What if the lever broke?” asked the inspector.
“Well, I’d run down to the tracks and activate the manual lever,” said Tom.
“What if that had been struck by lightning?”
“Then,” Tom continues, “I’d run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box.”
“What if the phone was engaged?”
“Well in that case,” persevered Tom, “I’d rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there.”
“What if the public phone was on fire?”
“Oh well, then I’d run into town and get my uncle Bill.”
This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, “Is he in the fire department?”
“No. He’s never seen a train crash.”
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Husband and wife had a tiff.
Wife called up her mum and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."
Mum said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.”
