A Sunday School teacher wanted to use squirrels as an example of a diligent work ethic and being prepared. She started the lesson by saying, "I'm going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is." The children were excited to show her what they knew and leaned forward eagerly.
"I'm thinking of something that lives in trees and eats nuts." No hands went up. "It can be gray or brown and it has a long bushy tail." The children looked around the room at each other, but still no one raised a hand.
"It chatters and sometimes it flips its tail when it's excited?"
Finally one little boy shyly raised his hand. The teacher breathed a sigh of relief and said, "Okay, Michael. What do you think it is?"
"Well," said the boy, "I know the answer's supposed to be Jesus, but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me."
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A man went to visit his doctor. "Doctor, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?" the man pleads. The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk.
"Hello Doctor, could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate" the arm says.
The doctor says, "Aha! I see the problem... Your arm is broke!"
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The boss joined a group of his workers in the company break room and told a joke he'd heard recently. Everybody laughed loudly. Everybody, that is, except Dewey.
When he noticed that he was getting no reaction from Dewey, the boss said, "What's the matter, Dewey? No sense of humor?"
"My sense of humor is fine," he said. "But I don't have to laugh. I'm quitting tomorrow."
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During the training class, the skydiving instructor would take time to answer any first-timer questions.
One guy asked: “If our chute doesn’t open, and the reserve chute doesn’t open, how long do we have till we hit the ground?”
The jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan answered: “The rest of your life.”
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My family physician told me of an incident that actually happened to him back in the early days of his practice.
He said a woman brought her baby to see him, and he determined right away that the baby had an earache. He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote, "Put two drops in right ear every four hours" and he abbreviated "right" as an R with a circle around it.
Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil.
The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label:
"Put two drops in R ear every four hours."
I had just stopped by a burger drive-through for lunch to eat on the way back to work and I ordered the #1 combo (burger, fry, coke) for $4.29.
The drive-through cashier said "that'll be $4.83, please drive forward."
"$4.83? For a $4.29 meal? That's 54 cents tax! That can't be right," my mind raced. Tax is 8 cents on the dollar in Huntsville and for 4 dollars that would be 32 cents plus 1/3 of 8 cents would be 35 cents max. I'd heard of window workers overcharging drive through customers and skimming the money for themselves. So I got a pen and paper and did the long division since there were 2 cars ahead of me.
Let's see ... 483/429 ... over 12 percent tax! When I got to the window I handed her a 5 and said, "$4.83 for a $4.29 meal is 12 percent tax. That can't be right. Can I talk to the manager?" She gave me my change and called the manager.
The manager comes over and I ask what the sales tax is in Huntsville, and she says 8 percent. I say that I just paid $4.83 for a $4.29 meal and that's over 12 percent sales tax.
She said that maybe the computer had rung it up wrong or had charged me for the biggie size. She admitted it was supposed to be 4.63, and opened the drawer to give me my extra change.
"HA!" I thought to myself. "Six years engineering school has so heightened my mental mathematical adeptness that I can do percentages in my head and my superior intellect has foiled a feeble attempt by a drive-through worker to overcharge me."
I took the twenty cents she handed me, proud of my staggering genius, and smugly drove off without my food.
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