"Would you like a new mink coat?" he asks.
"Not really," says Mary.
"Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says John.
"No," she responds.
"Would some beautiful new jewelry do the trick?" he asks, becoming slightly exasperated.
"Nah..." she shrugs.
"What about a new vacation home in the country?" he persists.
She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks."
"Well what WOULD you like?" John asks.
"I want a divorce." answers Mary.
Sorry," John sighed. "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
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"Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?" I asked my friend.
"He wants to be a garbage man," he replied.
"That's an unusual ambition to have at such a young age."
"Not really. He thinks that garbage men work only on Tuesdays."
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Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
• My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
• My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."
• My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."
• "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realise his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".
Sarah replies, "Property ? ..... he had a paper round.
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A grasshopper hops into a bar and jumps up on a barstool.
The bartender looks at him and starts laughing and says, "Hey! We got a drink named after you!"
The grasshopper gives the bartender a dirty look and says, "You got a drink named Hank
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