While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a roo, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was long and lean, she could have been a model.
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. I don't mind. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with the Harley, I guess."
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This year we travelled north once again to escape the Victorian winter. Travelling to King Ash Bay via Borroloola we arrived at the local fishing ramp where two fisherman were pulling their boat in. My over concerned wife says to the guy in waste deep water-"aren’t you worried about crocodiles?".
He replies in a beautifully rough broad English/Manchester accent "listen lovie, crocodiles know not to bite pommies like me cause if he does he'll spend the rest of his day licking his bum trying and get rid of the taste". She doesn't ask such questions anymore!!
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Old age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.
Old age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.
A man has reached old age when he is cautioned to slow down by his Doctor instead of by the police.
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
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My neighbour found out that her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the local veterinarian.
The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell my neighbour that,if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the chemist and bought some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
My neighbour said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."
My neighbour replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist leans forward and whispers to her, "I suggest then that you stay off your bike for about a week."
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A blonde goes into a store and sees a shiny object on the shelf.
She asks the clerk, "What is that shiny object?"
The clerk replies, "That is a thermos."
The blonde then asks, "What does it do?"
The clerk responds, "It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold."
The blonde says, "Oh! I could use something like that!! I'll take it!"
The next day, as she walks into work with her new thermos she spots her boss and shows off her shiny new thermos, "I just got this yesterday, isn't it wonderful! It's a thermos and it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold!"
The boss asks, "And what do you have in it?"
The blonde replies, "Some coffee and a Raspberry Ice Block"
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An elderly Floridian called 911 on his cell phone to report that his car has been broken into.
He is hysterical as he explains his situation to the dispatcher
"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" he cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm... An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in "Disregard." he says
"He got in the back-seat by mistake."
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