Knock, knock, Who's there?
Nobel, Nobel who?
Nobel, that’s why I knocked.
Knock, knock, Who's there?
Deja, Deja who?
Knock Knock.
-------------------------------------------------
Some short jokes
She leaves me with the feeling that when we bury the hatchet
she’ll mark the exact spot.
When we were on holiday in Hawaii, I saw a statue, paying tribute to a wee Scottish
singer. I thought that's one way to honour Lulu.
A slug is a divorced snail, she got the house.
If prisoners were allowed to take their own mugshots...
They'd be called... Cellfies!!..
I feel so strongly about Graffiti in public
Toilets… I’ve signed a partition .
I’m so proud of myself; I don’t leave a carbon footprint.
I drive everywhere.
I'm finally getting rid of my winter fat. It will soon be turning into spring rolls
What I've noticed that the cost of living, hasn't affected it's popularity.
-------------------------------------------------
BREAKING NEWS!
Engineers have just made a car that can run on parsley…
Now they're hoping to make buses that run on thyme!
-------------------------------------------------
A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years
in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the
congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little
speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few
words while they waited:
'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I
heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The
very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a
television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his
way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from
his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs,
and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I
learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come
to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'...
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of
apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation
and gave his talk:
'I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,' said the
politician. 'In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go
to him for confession..'
Moral : Never, never, never be late.
-------------------------------------------------
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.."
Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"
-------------------------------------------------
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
-------------------------------------------------
Out of the mouths of grand children.
My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 80. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said... "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
-------------------------------------------------
There was a knock on the door this morning.I opened it to find a young man standing there who said, "Hello, sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness..."
I said, "Come in and sit down."
I offered him coffee and asked, "What do you want to talk about?"
He said, "B#ggered if I know, I've never got this far before."
