I wanted to post a joke about sodium but then I was like, Na, people wouldn't understand!
Q: What do you call someone who can't stick to a diet?
A: A deserter.
A Jehovah's Witness knocked on my door today so I invited him in,
gave him tea and biscuits then I said to him, "So, what is all this
Jehovah's Witness thing about then?"
He replied, "I haven't got a clue, I've never got this far before."
I saw Michael J Fox at a garden centre the other day. Recognised him
straight away, he had his back to the fuchsias!
I couldn't work out how to fasten my seat-belt. Then it clicked.
My girlfriend said if I don’t do page 7 of the Kama Sutra she will
leave me. It put me in a very difficult position.
I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which
means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.
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We are nearing the end of the BBQ season here. Let me refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women
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What did the drummer name her twin daughters? Anna One, Anna Two.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
A priest, a Pastor and a Rabbit entered a clinic to give blood. The nurse asked the Rabbit for his blood type. "I'm probably a type O" replied the rabbit
I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart while they've never even seen one of his paintings.
Told my mum I was opening a theatre she said "you're having me on"
I said "well not necessarily, but we 'll give you an audition!"
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One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race..
Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.
Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.
Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.
Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated.. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.
By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.
Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.
He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.
Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened?
All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings -- all of it!'.
The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.
'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'
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There were these 2 blondes standing outside in a parking lot next to their Mercedes.
They were locked out so they were trying to get the door open with a closet hanger.
The 1st blonde said to the second one, "You need to try harder. It's starting to rain and the top is down!"
