During the banquet celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" an anonymous voice yelled from the back of the room.
Tom responded, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, self-restraint, meekness, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't need if you had stayed single."
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My boss is without peer when it comes to the rules and regulations that customs officials must follow. But when it comes to the law, well, that's a different story.
We were attending a court case in which we were prosecuting a smuggler. The judge asked the court, "Who is making these allegations?"
My boss stood up and proclaimed, "I am the alligator, your honor."
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Pauly walks into a bar and says "Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!" The bartender says, "Well, Pauly, seems you're in a really good mood tonight, eh?"
Pauly says, "Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters. I start on Monday!"
The bartender congratulates the man and proceeds to pour the round.
Monday evening arrives. Pauly comes back into the bar and says "Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!"
The bartender says, "Well now! If you're so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you get your paycheck!"
Pauly looks at the bartender with a confused look on his face, pulls out quite a handful of quarters from his pocket, and says "You mean they'll PAY me on top of it?"
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'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day. And repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.'
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs!
'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'
The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, be jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 'tird day.'
'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.
'No, from the skippin'!"
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In ancient Greece a man walked into a tailor's shop and placed a pair of torn pants on the counter. The tailor held up the pants and eyed the tear. Their conversation:
Tailor: "Euripides?"
Man: "Yes. Eumenides?"
Tailor: "Yes."
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A noted professor was asked to give a talk on "Sex".
When he was introduced he stood up and said, "Ladies and gentlemen it gives me great pleasure........." and then sat down promptly.
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We had a power outage last week and my computer, TV, and games console shut down immediately.
It was raining hard and I couldn't play golf either so I just talked to my wife for a few hours.
She seems like a nice person.
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