A man walks into a coffee shop carrying a big chunk of asphalt under his arm.
At the counter he says, “I’ll take a large latte for myself, please, and one for the road.”
A pair of jumper cables walk into a cafe.
The barista sees them and says, “I’m sorry but I’ll have to ask you to leave. I don’t want you starting anything in here.”
A man goes to his psychiatrist and says, “Every time I drink my coffee, I get a stabbing pain in my right eye,”
The psychiatrist says, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”
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Did you hear about the blonde who bought an AM radio?
It was two months before she realised she could use it at night.
Well I suppose I better get up, get ready and hit the Gym. Sorry typo, I meant Gin.
I am outraged that vandals have damaged our local bridge.
I can’t get over it.
Sometimes, by holding on too tight, you end up losing what you were trying so hard to save. .....Soap, for example.
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I was fascinated by an advert I saw on TV this evening. Recycling is a big sales gimmick nowadays.
If something is marked ‘Recycled’, then it is made from waste products.
If it is marked ‘Recyclable’, it can go in the recycle bin after use to be processed and used again.
The advert said the product was ‘Recyclable’. The product was Toilet Paper. I would NOT like to empty the recycle bins of the users.
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Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.
She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried, but no answer.
"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"
Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away... "We're down here ."
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Roger’s Jobs
1] My first job was working in an Orange juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.
2] Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
3] After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it, mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
4] Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.
5] Then, tried being a Chef- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.
6] Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it ....I couldn't cut the mustard.
7] My best job was as a Musician, but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.
8] I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't have the patience.
9] Next was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn't fit in.
10] I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.
11] Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was too draining.
12] So then I got a job in a Workout Centre, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
13] After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.
14] Got an apprenticeship at a Firestone factory, but I left because i was too tired.
15] My last job was working in Gloria Jeans Coffee but had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
16] SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT, .... AND I FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!
