Turns out that being a "senior" is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
I'm on two diets. I wasn't getting enough food on one.
I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the little liar will stay until
it apologizes.
My mind is like an internet browser. At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen,
and I have no clue where the music is coming from.
Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked
it up without knowing who was calling.
Apparently, RSVP-ing to a wedding invitation "Maybe next time" isn't the correct
response.
So, you’ve been eating hot dogs and McChickens all your life, but you won’t take
the vaccine because you don’t know what’s in it?
There is no such thing as a grouchy old person. The truth is, once you get old you
stop being polite and start being honest.
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent
all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the
Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '
The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking,
it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three
in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all powerful and we are small and
insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What's it tell you, Tonto?'
'You dumber than buffalo sh*t. It means someone stole the tent.'
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On Sunday morning my husband surprised me by saying he had $100 to spend and if I could get ready while he was working in the garage, we could
go out in an hour.
I imagined a lovely lunch overlooking the water or maybe choosing a
Christmas present!
You can imagine my face as I walked out later to see his Ute piled up with things
he no longer wanted.
“This lot should cost about $90 to get rid of at the tip, then we can get a burger somewhere,” he grinned.
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Recently, I bought a cartridge for my printer. It came in a box mounted on a card
and wrapped in plastic. When I took it apart, I found that the printer cartridge itself
was actually quite small, but they made the packaging unnecessarily large to make
it harder to steal and to make the customer feel better about the high price.
I pointed this out to my wife and mentioned how my weight gain over the years
of our marriage should have the same effect: It made me seem more valuable
and also made me harder for other women to steal.
She's still laughing.
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A woman walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man
standing at the counter systematically pasting ‘Love’ stamps on bright
pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
The woman’s curiosity gets the better of her and she walks up to the balding man
and asks him what he is doing.
The man says: “I’m sending out one thousand Valentine’s Day cards signed,
‘Guess who?'”
“But why?” asks the woman. The man replies: “I’m a divorce lawyer.”
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My brothers wife has been pregnant for five months & decided that
they wanted to reveal the gender of the baby at our family reunion of about 40 people.
One night just after finishing up a barbecue, my brother and his wife stand up
and announce to the family they’re going to have a little baby girl.
Everyone started cheering naturally. Once that had died down, I shout out
"Do you have a name for the baby yet?”
My brother replies
"Yeah, Leanne Noelle”
Everyone starts going "Ooooo” and "Ahhhh” and "How pretty is that name”
After a moment I shout "How the hell are you supposed to spell Leanne
with no L?”
