My husband came into the house through the back door and announced he had some good news and some bad news. He told me the good news was that we now had water views. The bad news was that the fence had a big split in it and we could now see a neighbours pool.
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A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.
"No thank you." she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."
"That must be rather difficult." the man replied.
"Oh, I don't mind too much." she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."
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A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home.
Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn’t hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn’t waste much time. Finally, they reached the ninth fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot.
There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball – and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said: “You know, when I was your age I’d hit the ball right over that tree.”
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a metre from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment: “Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only a metre tall.”
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My friend composes songs about sewing machines.
He's a Singer songwriter or sew it seams.
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Something we can all agree on.
The vaccine should be tested on politicians first.
If they survive, the vaccine is safe.
If they don't, the country is safe.
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A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says: “Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.”
Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says: “We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.”
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks: “And what are those?”
The Aussie asks with an incredulous look: “Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?”
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A woman tries getting on a bus, but realizes her skirt is too tight.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, but only to discover that she couldn't.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
After becoming quite frustrated and embarrassed, she once again attempted to unzip her skirt more in order to allow more leg room to get on the first step of the bus.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus,
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times I kinda figured we were friends
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I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
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One day a 12 year old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the driver wound down the window. "I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car" , said the driver.
"No way, get stuffed" replied the boy. "How about a bag of lollies and $10. the driver asked. "no way" replied the boy. "What about a bag of lollies and $50?" asked the driver."No, I'm not getting in the car" answered the boy.
"Okay, I'll give you a bag of lollies and $100" the driver offered."No!" replied the boy." "What will it take to get you in the car?" asked the driver.
The boy replied "Listen Dad. you bought the bloody Volvo, you live with it".
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A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks.
This bookkeeper happens to be deaf, so the Godfather brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollars is hidden.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it and says: "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger!"
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I was feeling hungry about 4 in the morning, so I went down to the local 24 hour Café.
The guy there said "Sorry, we're closing".
I said "Whadda ya mean you're closin', your sign there says 'Open 24 hours' ".
"Yeah, that's right" he said " but not in a row".
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I did my nurse's training at a hospital in Liverpool, England. My fellow students and I had little money for meals, so we ate the awful food provided at the hospital complex. We often took our breaks in the kitchen, and sometimes kindly visitors would give us some of the treats they had brought for patients.
One night a woman brought a pork pie to the kitchen and said to me, "Would you eat this up, love?"
Delighted at the offer, another student and I devoured every crumb. Soon our benefactor returned, however, and asked, "Is me 'usband's pie 'ot yet, dearie?"
Guest Speaker Corner – Claire Holt
