A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude".
"You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."
The man below responded, "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!
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A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
'Is it true,' she wanted to know, 'that the medication you prescribed has to be taken
for the rest of my life? '
'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her .
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
'I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'.'
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I handed the teller at my bank a withdrawal slip for $400. I said, "I'd like large bills, please."
She looked at me and said, "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."
When I got up off the floor I explained it to her.
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Three animals were having a drink in a cafe, when the owner asked for the money.
"I'm not paying," said the duck. "I've only got one bill and I'm not breaking it."
"I've spent my last buck," said the deer.
"Then the duck'll have to pay," said the skunk.
"Getting here cost me my last scent."
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I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!
He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT Happy!"
So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"
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Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft...
Today, it's called golf.
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Farmer Jack once lived on a quiet rural highway, but as time went by, the traffic slowly built up and eventually got so heavy and so fast that his free range chickens were being run over, at a rate of three to six a week.
So Farmer Jack called the local police station to complain, "You've got to do something about all these people driving so fast and killing all my chickens," he said to the local police officer.
"What do you want me to do?" asked the policeman.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day the policeman had the Council erect a sign that said: SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer Jack called the policeman and said, "You've still got to do something about these drivers. The"school crossing" sign seems to make them go even faster!"
So again, they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.
That really sped them up. So Farmer Jack called and said, "Your signs are no good. Can I put up my own sign?"
In order to get Farmer Jack off his back the policeman said "Sure. Put up your own sign." ;
The phone calls to the Police Station stopped, but curiosity got the better of the Officer, so he called Farmer Jack. "How is the problem with the speeding drivers, and did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did and not one chicken has been killed."
The policeman was really curious and thought he'd better go out and take a look at the sign. He also thought the sign might be something the Police could use elsewhere, to slow drivers down.
So he drove out to Farmer Jack's house. His jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.
'NUDIST COLONY - Slow down and watch for chicks!'
.jpg "President Ian Mc Kay & wife Sherril")
