Some bad puns…
The meaning of opaque is unclear.
I wasn’t going to get a brain transplant but then I changed my mind.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time consuming.
A man tried to assault me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy!
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.
It’s a lengthy article about ancient Japanese sword fighters but I can Sumurais it for you.
It’s not that the man couldn’t juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.
So what if I don’t know the meaning of the word ‘apocalypse’? It’s not the end of the world.
The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.
I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
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Eight kids were too many and the cost of rising prices was getting Fred down. He told his wife if they had any more kids he would go out of his mind with worry.
A week later his wife announced that she was pregnant.
“That’s the end,” lamented Fred. He opened the drawer beneath his desk and pulled out a revolver and held it to his head.
“Stop,” cried his wife. “You’ll be killing an innocent man.”
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He came home in a state of utter despair and sat with his head in his hands. “I have just been sacked,” he told his wife.
“After 40 years of doing the same job week after week I have been replaced by an electronic gadget about the size of a torch,” he lamented. “What’s more it can do everything I can do, and do it better and never wear out,” he moaned.
But nobody was listening. She had gone out to buy one.
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I always enjoy a lemon lime and bitters when I go out so when I saw a bottle for sale in the supermarket I purchased it to drink with our lunch at home. Somehow it tasted really different, like syrup or medicine, but my husband and I gave it a chance and finished it off. It was then I put on my reading glasses to look at my phone and glanced at the label on the bottle. We had been drinking straight cordial!
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Two Kiwis, Trevor and Jean, are walking down a street in Bondi in Sydney. Trevor happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye. It says 'Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 a pair'
Trevor says to his pal, 'Jean, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and whin we get beck to InZid, we could make a fortune”. “Now whin we go unto the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just lit me do all the talking cause uf they hear our accint, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my bist Aussie accint.”
'No worries, smiled Jean, I'll keep my mouth shut.' They go in and Trevor says, 'I'll take fufty suits et $10.00 each, 100 shirts et $4.00 each, and fufty pairs of trousers et $5.00 each. I'll beck up my truck and...'
The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from New Zealand, aren't you?' 'Well... Yis,' says a surprised Trevor. 'How the hill dud you know thet?' The owner says, 'This is a dry cleaners!'.
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"You are suffering form what is technically known as an Electra Complex," the psychiatrist is informing his blonde female patient. "In other words, you are in love with your father."
The blonde breaks down into hysterical sobbing.
"Now, now," comforts the shrink. "It's not all that bad."
"Yes..(snif)...yes, it is," the blonde gets out between sobs. "I have no chance at all...he's a married man!"
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