A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast. The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation.
So he puts up a sign that reads: “WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!”
He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.
The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: NOW THERE ARE TWO!”
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Last October my wife bought a magnolia tree from the local nursery, but after only a few weeks the leaves shriveled. It appeared to be on its last legs.
My wife took some leaf samples and marched into the nursery to demand an explanation.
"I know exactly what's wrong with your magnolia," said the manager.
"Good," said my wife. "What's it suffering from?"
"Autumn," he replied.
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Longtime friends were celebrating their 50th anniversary. One of their sons gave a loving toast, finishing with, "and thank you for having such a beautiful marriage."
"Thank you for making it necessary," the father joked.
In the silence that followed, his wife whispered, "Not him. He's the second son."
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Man: "Be honest, baby... How am I as a lover?"
Woman: "Honey, I would definitely say that you're warm."
Man: "Really?"
Woman: "Yes, my love, my hero, you're 'warm' as the dictionary would say!"
The man, pleased, went home and just for sake of it checked his dictionary, He read, "WARM: Not so hot."
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I wondered if I could get my husband to help me address Christmas cards, as I had so much to do. I arranged everything we needed, then hopefully pulled up a chair and said, "Come on, Dear, let's get these out of the way."
He glanced at the array on the table, turned away and went into the den, only to return moments later with a high stack of cards, stamped, sealed, and addressed.
"They're last year's," he said. "I forgot to mail them. Now let's go out to dinner and relax."
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There was once a young man who joined a monastery as a novitiate but he was struggling with it.
It seems that he came from a very talkative family and this monastery all had taken a vow of silence. He truly missed hearing the human voice.
One day he hit upon an idea.
While working in the garden shortly after daybreak, he looked up and saw another monk working in the next row over.
Working up his courage, the young monk caught the other's eye and sang tenor in Gregorian manner. "Gooo-ooood Mooorning."
The other young monk, slightly startled, looked around, then softly sang a response. "Gooo-od Moorning."
OH!! THIS made the young novice monk's day! He had "broken the sound barrier." He worked happily throughout the day. Even the most odious of chores went by smoothly because he had communicated with another human being.
That night, the monks were all seated around the dinner table preparing for their evening meal. The young monk looked up from his plate and saw the SAME monk he had communicated with in the garden that morning.
He thought, "If it worked once, then why not again." His tenor voice softly sang, "Gooo-ooood Eeevening."
But this time the reaction from the other monk was one of panic.
Unbeknown to the novice the Abbot had walked into the dining hall AND the Abbot had heard!
The Abbot marched to the end of the table. Looked sternly up and down its length, pointed a finger at the group assembled and in a deep baritone was heard, "SOMEONE CHANTED 'EVENING'!!"
.jpg "President Ian Mc Kay & wife Sherril")
