An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely naked."
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed: "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings (and her clothes) and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching the dice."
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My Mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life; and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs???
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So my mate was at a fancy dress party dressed as a bank vault.
I said: ''I thought you were coming dressed as an apology?''
He said: 'Well, I thought I'd better be safe than sorry''.
It's gardening season. 6 weeks ago I planted my arse on the sofa.
It's grown considerably
I'm in hospital after swallowing invisible ink.
The doctor can't see me yet …
The divorce rate among my socks is truly astonishing
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ANIMALS HAVE THE ODDEST THOUGHTS
Dog: "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl."
Goldfish: "Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes ... Oh boy! Fish flakes!"
Dog: "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!"
Parrot: "Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really give me a cracker? HECK, no!"
Cat: "Why are these people in my house?"
Goldfish: "Oh, tap-tap-tap! There's a new one!"
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A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"
They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.
From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. "Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?
