Therapist: “Your wife says you never buy her flowers.”
Me: “To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.
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My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you. So I took her to Subway, and that’s when the fight started.
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I told my wife I wanted to be cremated.
She made me an appointment for Tuesday
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Me: (sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) …”” I can’t see you anymore … I’m not going to let you hurt me like this again.”
Trainer: “It was a sit up. You did one sit up!”
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A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom, I'll show you how."
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The King wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours. The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.
So the King and the Queen went fishing. On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting.
The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge rainstorm."
The King replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."
So the King continued on his way. However, in a short time a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked.
Furious, the King returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the meteorologist.
Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.
The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey.
If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."
So the King hired the donkey.
And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government.
The practice is unbroken to this date.
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Why We Love Children
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
A woman was trying hard to get the tomato sauce out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now.
She's hitting the bottle.'
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'
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Two elderly women, after retirement, ate lunch together every Wednesday. One day as they were just sitting down at their lunch table, one said to the other, “What in the world is that sticking out of your ear?” “What do you mean?” “That white thing in your left ear.” She pulled it out looked at it for a few seconds and said, “Oh my…that is a suppository!” After a few more seconds she said, “Now I think I know where I put my hearing aid.”
