Knock, knock, Who's there?
Dishes, Dishes who?
Dishes a nice place you got here.
Knock, knock, Who's there?
Mikey, Mikey who?
Mikey doesn’t fit in the keyhole.
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Some short jokes
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m completely dismayed.
Q: Why isn't dark spelled with a c?
A: Because you can't C in the dark.
Q: What's a pirates favourite letter?
A: You think it would be ARRRR.. but it be the sea!
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Fun fact: Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men actually spend thinking
Seeing how some people wear their masks, I now understand how contraceptives fail.
A couple of advanced age getting married.
Celebrant: And now, if you would please recite your vows.
Groom: a, e, i …
Cattle Drover: I'm so hungry i could eat a horse
His Horse: Mooo...
A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge, "I just can't take it anymore.
Every night she's out until way after midnight, just going from bar to bar."
Judge asks, "Why is she doing that?"
The guy answers, "She’s looking for me."
The police came round last night and told me my dogs were chasing people on bikes. I do not believe them. My dogs don't even have bikes.
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Dave, John and Paddy are working on some roadworks in the middle
of the town centre. All of them are claiming benefits and working on
the side. The foreman gives them their instructions and says "Remember if the
inspector from the benefit fraud office catches you to give him a false name".
Paddy says "Yes boss, but what if we can't think of one fast enough?"
The foreman replies "Look, it's bloody easy, just look around and use
one of the names of the shops".
An hour passes and the benefit fraud officer turns up "Right then you three,
you are under suspicion of working whilst claiming benefits. give me your
names!"
Dave looks around and says " David Woolworths".
John looks around and answers "John Tesco".
The inspector then turns to Paddy "And you, what's your name?"
Paddy says "Ken!" The inspector says "And your second name?" Paddy
replies "Tucky fried chicken".
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Vacationing in Kentucky, a friend and I spent the night at a small motel outside of Louisville. In the morning, I asked the woman at the desk for directions to Churchill Downs. Not able to tell us, she called her husband from the back room.
"Churchill Downs?" he asked. "That's the race-track, isn't it?" We nodded. He hesitated and then said, "I'm pretty sure it's somewhere south of the university. I'm sorry, but I don't think I can be much help."
At that point his wife left the room. The husband looked over his shoulder to make sure she had disappeared. Then he winked at us, leaned over the counter and whispered, "Take Third Street through town, go past the university and turn right on Central Avenue. After that, just look for the twin spires. You can't miss 'em!"
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A man goes into a restaurant, sits down at a table and an attractive young waitress comes for his order. He gives her a smile and says, "I want a quickie."
She turns red in the face and a'hems, "Sir, I don't know what kind of restaurant you're used to eating in, but I can assure you you're not going to get a quickie here!"
"How disappointing," the man replied. "Could you ask the chef to make an exception?"
"He doesn't have anything to do with it!" says the waitress indignantly.
"Hmmm," do you know anywhere around here where I could get a quickie?"
"I'm SURE I don't know," answers the waitress loudly.
A patron from the next table leans over and taps the man on the shoulder, "I think it's pronounced QUICHE."
