In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. "Will I die?" she asks.
God says, "No, you have 30 more years to live."
With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she's in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she's discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God. "You said I had 30 more years to live," she complains.
"That's true," says God. "So what happened?" she asks.
God shrugs.” I didn't recognize you."
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A Scotsman goes to a wedding down in England. He is wearing his kilt and all the accessories.
He goes into a bar and is sitting on a bar stool having a quiet drink. 3 English guys come in and go and sit at a table in the corner. Once settled in, they spot the Scotsman at the bar.
One of the guys says “I’ll go and get the pints, and I’ll wind the Jock up !”
He orders his pints, and as he picks them up he says to the Jock, “St Andrew was a poof”. The Jock looks at him and says “I didn’t know that !”
When he gets back to the table, he tells his mates he got no reaction from the Jock.
The 2nd Englishman says, “Okay, my turn”, goes to the bar, gets 3 pints, and says “St Andrew was a poof and a transvestite !”
The Jock replies “Oh ! I didn’t know that either.”
The Englishman goes back to his mates, and they are a wee bit frustrated. They’ve tried to insult the Scotsman twice and got no reaction.
The 3rd man says, “Look, we’ve got this all wrong. What do Jocks hate the most ?”
He goes to the bar, gets his drinks, and says to the Jock “St Andrew was an Englishman !”
The Jock looks at him, takes a sip of his whisky and says “Aye. Yer mates were just telling me."
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A sixteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car?"
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for $15.00?" they asked.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. Don't know her name -- they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for $15.00."
"Oh my goodness!" moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly tending to the flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary. Then apparently she stole all his money and stranded him there! Well he called me, without a dollar to his name, and asked me to sell his Porsche and send him the money. So that's exactly what I did."
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The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten
married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers?
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
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A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
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After a long day on the golf course, I stopped in at Hooter's
to see some friends and have some hot Wings and ice tea.
After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.
I told them "The one who knows how to fix elevators".
I'm old, I'm tired, and I pee a lot."
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