A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his love life. The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but he couldn't get a clear picture of the problems. Finally, he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?"
"Well, yes, I did once."
"And how did she look?"
"Oh boy, she looked very angry!"
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere.
"Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex That seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?"
"She was watching us through the window."
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Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".
Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.
Paddy is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He dials 999.
Paddy says "It's my wife, I've accidentally shot her. I've killed her"
Operator "Please calm down sir. Can you first make sure she really is dead?"
CLICK....BANG!!!
Paddy "OK, done that, what next?
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This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a walking stick against a fierce predator. Here is her story in her own words:
"While out walking along the edge of a creek just outside of our house in Darwin, with my soon-to-be ex-husband, discussing our property settlement, kids and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 5-metre crocodile which suddenly emerged from the murky water, and began charging at us very fast, with its large jaws wide open.
"The Croc must have been protecting her young and her home because she was extremely aggressive.
"If I had not had my little $5 Reject shop walking stick with me, I would not be here today!
"Just one hard 'Whack' to my estranged husband's kneecap was all it took.... The Croc got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.
"The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible -- and I got the lot!"
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There was a blonde who was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheep herder over.
"Tell you what. I have a proposition for you," said the woman.
"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?"
"Sure," said the sheep herder. So, she sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied "382".
"Wow!" said the herder.
"That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.
Then, the herder said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you".
"What is it?" queried the woman.
"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"
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Nancy was Catholic, but her fiance, Chris, was not. Since my friends were planning to be married in the Catholic Church, Chris made sure to listen carefully throughout their prenuptial sessions. At one meeting the priest turned to Chris and told him, "Since you are not Catholic, we shall have the ceremony without Eucharist."
Later that day, Chris was noticeably upset, so Nancy asked what was wrong. "I don't understand," he said. "How can we have the ceremony without me?"
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