A few thoughts
Scientists say the Universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons - they forgot to mention morons.
Vegetarian is an old Indian word for bad hunter.
At my funeral take the bouquet off my coffin, throw it into the crowd to see who's next.
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A senior citizen drove his brand new car out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 120 kph, enjoying the power of the car . “Amazing,”he thought as he flew down the M1, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a highway patrol car, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
He floored it to 140 kph, then 180kph, then suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this!” and pulled over to await the copper’s arrival. Pulling in behind him, the copper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the car.
He looked at his watch, then said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding – a reason I’ve never before heard – I’ll let you go..”
The old gentleman paused then said, “Thirty three years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back.” “Have a good day, Sir,” replied the copper.
The owner of a golf course on the Gold Coast was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, “You graduated from University and I need some help. " "If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everything but my earrings.
The copper pulled up next to the bloke unloading garbage out of his ute into the ditch. The copper asked, “Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head.” “Yep,” he replied. “That’s why I’m dumpin’ it here, ‘cause it says: ‘Fine For Dumping Garbage.”
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A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus.
"It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway," he said.
"Actually," said his guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation."
The visitor was astonished. "Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?"
"Yes, indeed," said his guide. "He wrote a large cheque."
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A group of politicians arrived at the pearly gates and asked St. Peter to let them in.
St. Peter said he would have to go and check with God as they had never had politicians arrive at the pearly gates before.
St. Peter asked God about letting them in and God said the same thing that they had never had any politicians arrive at the pearly gates before so to let them in.
A couple of moments later St. Peter ran back to God and said " They have gone" God said " The Politicians?" and St Peter said " No, The Pearly Gates! "
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I like bungalows - there’s just one major flaw.
My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we’ve started to call her “I can’t believe she’s not better”.
I can’t count how many times I failed my maths exam.
Just like my grandfather, I want to die peacefully in my sleep, and certainly not screaming and yelling like the passengers he was driving.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. When life gives you melons, you’re dyslexic.
Those Russian Matryoshka dolls are so full of themselves!
Adam & Eve were the first ones to ignore the Apple Terms & Conditions.
Arial, Tahoma, Courier and Times New Roman walk into a bar. The barman says, “We don’t serve your type in here!”
William Shakespeare walks into a bar. The barman says, “You’re barred!”
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A mother and father had just given their teenage daughter family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party.
The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. In the middle of the day, the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen and her father asked her: “Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?”
“Not too late, Dad,” she replied nervously.
Dead-panned, her father said: “Then, my precious one, I’ll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tyre of the car.”
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Since my purchases came to $19.06, I handed the cashier a twenty.
"Do you have six cents?" she asked.
"Sorry," I said after fishing around my pockets, "I have no cents."
"Finally," she muttered, "a man who can admit it."
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A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company . In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.
'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... '
The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded.' Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?
'
'Now wot da heck would you say?'
