Valentine’s Day Plan
1. Breakfast in bed.
2. Chocolates.
3. Watch movie.
4. Dinner for two.
5. Regret eating two dinners.
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In January, while crossing a border on his bicycle, a man was stopped by Paul, a security guard, who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders.
"What's in the bags?" asked the guard.
"Sand," replied the cyclist.
"Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard.
The cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.
Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again Paul the security guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand.
This went on every week for months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.
A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. "Say friend, you sure had us crazy", said the guard. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it?"
"Bicycles."
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The wedding ceremony came to the point where the Minister asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace.
The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child.
She stood up and started walking slowly towards the pastor.
The congregation was aghast as the penny dropped.
The Groom’s jaw dropped as he stared disbelievingly at the approaching young woman and child.
Chaos ensued. The bride threw the bouquet in the air and burst out crying. Then the groom's mother fainted.
The Best men started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.
The Minister asked the woman, "Can you tell us, why you came forward?
What do you have to say?”
There was absolute silence in the church.
The woman replied, "We can't hear you at the back of the church”.
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I realized that my five-year-old grandson had been watching too many reality TV shows the day we attended a relative's wedding. As the four bridesmaids walked down the aisle toward the front of the church, he turned to me and asked, "Is this where the groom decides which one he wants to marry?"
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An 85 year old couple were married almost 60 years before they both died. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and spa. As they looked in awe, the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
“It’s free,” Peter replied. “This is Heaven.”
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed on to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the greatest golf courses on Earth.
The old man asked: “What are the green fees?”
Peter’s reply: “This is Heaven, you play for free.”
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine’s of the world laid out.
“How much to eat?” asked the old man.
“Don’t you understand yet? This is Heaven, it is free!” Peter replied with some exasperation.
“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?” the old man asked timidly.
Peter lectured: “That’s the best part, you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.”
With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.
The old man looked at his wife and said: “This is all your fault. If it weren’t for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!”
