An elderly pastor was searching in his closet for his collar before church one Sunday morning.
In the back of the closet, he found a small box containing three eggs and 100 $1 bills.
He called his wife into the closet to ask her about the box and its contents.
Embarrassed, she admitted to having hidden the box there for their entire 30 years of marriage.
Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, "Why?"
The wife replied that she hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings.
He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings.
She said that every time during their marriage that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box.
The pastor felt that three poor sermons in 30 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for.
She replied, "Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbors for $1."
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An Irishman and an Englishman walk in to a bakery.
The Englishman steals three buns and puts them in his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."
The Irishman replied, "That's just simple thievery. Come with me and I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results."
The Irishman then proceeded to call out to the owner of the bakery shop, 'Sir, I would like to demonstrate to you an impressive magical trick." The owner was intrigued and so came over to see the magic trick.
The Irishman asked the owner for a bun and then ate it. He asked two more times and, after eating them, the owner said, "Okay, my friend, where is the magic trick?"
The Irishman said, "Look in the Englishman's pockets."
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A man took his wife out to a very expensive restaurant. the meal arrived and the husband tucked in with gusto.
The wife asked " Darling aren't you going to say grace? you always say grace before every meal at home." the husband replied," No, because the Chef here knows how to cook !"
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My friend's father is so proud of his family of 6 children.
He frequently referred to his wife as, "Mother of Six,"
much to her annoyance. Finally, she cured him of his habit.
At the end of a party, he called out loud enough for everyone to hear, "Ready to go, Mother of Six?"
"Anytime you are," she replied, "Father of Four."
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Abe and Estelle are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news.
Our engines have ceased functioning, and we will attempt an emergency landing.
Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Estelle, did we pay our charity pledge check to Beth Shalom Synagogue yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Estelle, did we pay our United Jewish Appeal pledge?"
"Oy, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the cheque," she says.
"One last thing, Estelle. Did you remember to send a cheque for the Synagogue Building Fund this month?" he asks"
"Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Estelle."I didn't send that one, either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.
Estelle pulls away and asks him, "So, why did you kiss me?"
Abe answers, "They'll find us."
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