It can be awkward or
effervescent, mindless or laborious—a quickly forgotten exchange, or the beginning of something big. Small talk passes time and fills silences. It establishes connections without crossing boundaries, and gives new acquaintances a chance to safely feel out if they share interests—including or possibly more significant than their host’s appetizer selection.
effervescent, mindless or laborious—a quickly forgotten exchange, or the beginning of something big. Small talk passes time and fills silences. It establishes connections without crossing boundaries, and gives new acquaintances a chance to safely feel out if they share interests—including or possibly more significant than their host’s appetizer selection.The rules and subjects of polite chatter vary across time and culture, but the desire to connect does not. Anthropologists believe that the urge to engage in small talk is rooted in our deepest natures as social creatures, and that these seemingly inconsequential exchanges have tremendous value. Small talk is the conversational glue that holds societies together.
There’s no reliable alternative yet for the relief that comes when an awkward silence is gracefully broken. So, how about that local footy team?
BY THE DIGITS
2: Average length, in seconds, of each speaker’s “turn” in a conversation
200: Average length, in milliseconds, of the pause between speakers in conversation, a number remarkably consistent across cultures
4: Maximum number of people who can hold a conversation at once, according to a recent study into a phenomenon known as “the dinner party problem”
94%: Proportion of British respondents in a 2010 survey who had discussed the weather at some point in the previous six hours
Small talk is perhaps best defined as the words we utter when we’re more interested in the act of talking with another person than in the subject of the talk itself.
BRIEF HISTORY
1650: The phrase “small talk” was recorded for the first time, in a year that also aive the English language “tyrannicide” and “footloose.”
1776: Merchants chatting about deadbeat clients in London coffee houses realized the value of sharing this information more widely. They started the credit rating industry.
1859: The Victorian etiquette guide The Habits of Good Society offers explicit instructions on the dos and dont’s of small talk. When acquaintances of the opposite gender pass in the street, for example, “no man may stop to speak to a lady until she stops to speak to him. The lady, in short, has the right in all cases to be friendly or distant. Women have not many rights; let us grace-fully concede the few that they possess.”
1922: Etiquette maven Emily Post published her classic guide to small talk and social graces, which included this perceptive observation: “Nearly all the faults or mistakes in conversation are caused by not thinking.”
1991: A stranger approached Oprah Winfrey in an airport and asked why she wasn’t acting as friendly as she does on TV. To avoid further unwanted small talk, Winfrey purchased a private jet.
2016: Disheartened by the lack of conversation on the Tube, an American expat in London handed out “Tube chat” badges to be worn by people open to talking to strangers on public transit. Londoners were horrified.
“I am worn out with civility. I have been talking incessantly all night, and with nothing to say. But with you there may be peace. You will not want to be talked to. Let us have the luxury of silence.” —Jane Austen, Mansfield Park