A police officer stopped a car on the Queensland/NSW border. He went up to the driver and said, "Congratulations. You have made no effort to drive into Queensland, you are wearing a seat belt and you are travelling at the speed limit. We are sick of being abused by disgruntled tourists and my Superintendent has decided to pick one excellent driver each day and award them $1000. What are you going to do with your prize?"
The man thought for a while and said, "Maybe I'll go to driving school and get my licence."
His wife sitting next to him then said, "Don't listen to him. He always tries to be funny when he's had too much to drink!"
All of this talking made a passenger in the back seat wake up and he saw the policeman and said, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car! Why didn't you use those number plates we stole off that car in Byron Bay?"
Just then there was a knocking from the boot of the car and a voice said, "Hey, are we in Queensland yet? Can you let me out, I need to go to the loo?!!!!"
A mafia godfather hired a new bookkeeper, Guido, who was deaf. The godfather believed that this was excellent because Guido could never hear anything and thus testify against him in court.
After several years, the godfather found out that Guido had stolen $10 million from him.
The godfather was very angry and he went to the accounts department with his lawyer who knew sign language.
"Ask him where the $10 million is hidden" said the godfather and the lawyer proceeded to ask using sign language.
"I don't know what you are talking about," Guido signed back.
The godfather pulled out a revolver, placed it on Guido's forehead and said, "Ask him where the $10 million is or I'll blow out his brains?"
The lawyer signed to Guido and added, "He'll kill you if you don't tell."
Guido trembled and signed, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried under the backshed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The godfather asked the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replied, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger!"
Back in the 1940s three men were waiting at the maternity hospital where their wives were about to give birth,
The first man was approached by a doctor who said, "Congratulations, your wife has just given birth to twins."
"That's fantastic", said the man, "and a real coincidence because I work at the Twin Waters Restaurant!"
A little later the doctor turned up again and said to the second man, "Well done, your wife has just delivered quads; four beautiful little babies."
The second man was shocked, however he said, "Well that's certainly a coincidence because I work at Police Station House Number 4."
The third man burst into tears and started moaning.
"What's the matter?" said the doctor.
"Oh doc", he bawled, "I work at the 99 Steakhouse!"
A young boy asked his mother, "How did the human race begin?"
His mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and all human beings descended from them."
Two days later the boy asked his father the same question. His father replied, "Many years ago we had a common ancestor with monkeys and over a long period of time we evolved from them."
The boy went back to his mother and said, "Why did you tell me something different to dad?"
His mother replied, "Well, its simple. I was talking about my side of the family and your father was talking about his!"
I was having trouble with my computer so I asked my neighbour's 13 year old son, Charles, to come and have a look.
Charles clicked the computer mouse a couple of times and the problem was fixed.
As he went to leave, I said thank you and asked him about the problem.
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error!"
I didn't want to appear stupid, however nevertheless I inquired, "An ID Ten T error?"
I went on, "What is that, in case I need to fix it again?"
Charles grinned and asked, "Haven't you ever heard of an ID Ten T error before?"
"No", I replied.
Write it down", he said as he left, "and I think that you will figure it out."
So I wrote down ID10T.
And I used to like Charles!
