Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway? 

 
 
 
  • I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

  • I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

  • Old age is coming at a really bad time.

  • When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.

  • The biggest lie I tell myself is ”I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it.”

  • I don’t have grey hair; I have "wisdom highlights"! I’m just very wise.

  • If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would’ve put them on my knees.

  • Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.

  • Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.

  • Actually I'm not complaining because I am a Senager (Senior teenager). I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don’t have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don’t have a curfew. I have a driver’s license and my own car. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant. And I don’t have acne.