Lexophile

 
 
“Lexophile” describes those that have a love for words, such as “you can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish”, or, “To write with a broken pencil is pointless.”  
An annual competition is held by the New York Times to see who can create the best original lexophile. This year’s winning submissions are posted  below:
 
No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
   
If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
   
I’m  reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
   
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
   
Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
   
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
   
When chemists die, they barium.
   
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
   
I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
   
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
   
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
   
This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I’d swear I’ve never met herbivore.
   
I know a guy who’s addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
   
A  thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
   
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
   
I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.
   
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
   
A will is a dead giveaway.
   
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
   
Police were summoned to a day care centre where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
   
Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
   
A bicycle can’t stand alone; it’s just two tired.
   
The  guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.
   
He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.
   
When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she’d dye.
   
Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it.
   
Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.