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"A new poll found that 54 percent of Americans say it's too early to be playing Christmas music. I couldn't agree more. Now let's talk about the 2016 presidential race." -Seth Meyers

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"Big news from the Oxford English Dictionary. For all of you kids who don't know what a dictionary is, it's a small portion of the Internet, printed out, kept on a shelf, and opened once every three years during a Scrabble game." -Jimmy Kimmel

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Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.


All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last that long.

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A follow up to Dr B's Prostate joke;

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"?
"Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.

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As an add on from Mr. B. last week re: Prostrate joke. My husband thinks it is funny to break the tension while having  a " Blokes examination " by telling  the doctor
  " Last year the doctor used two fingers , he wanted a second opinion. "



My husband got so excited when I told him I had bought him a SUV for Christmas.
 After he rang all his mates to tell them , it was so funny to tell him it was SOCKS---   UNDIES-----VIG*RA

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Theo sent in one of my favourite old jokes…

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.
Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.
"Pretty much the way you do, " responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.

Maureen and the male Martian go off to abedroom where the Martian strips. He's got onlya teeny, weeny member about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...."
"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time
was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

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Two old men went hunting one day. A hang glider came soaring overhead and the first old man raised his gun and fired. After a brief pause the second old man asked "Did you get it, whatever it was?"

The first old man replied "No, I think I missed it. But I sure as heck made it turn loose that poor fella it was carrying away!"

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I'd been working on my business degree for about a year when I finally got to take a popular finance course. I went to the bookstore to buy the text and was shocked to find out that it would cost me $96. I asked how much it was worth if I sold it back at the end of the semester.

"You'll get $24," said the clerk.

"This is insane," I protested as I wrote out the check.

"I know," replied the clerk sympathetically. "I've always thought that a person who buys a finance book for $96 and then sells it back for $24 should fail the course."

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A woman loses both ears in an accident.  A plastic surgeon she consults tells her that ear transplants are still in the testing stage, but he will do what he can.

The woman undergoes the operation, and after a time she returns to the surgeon's office to have the bandages removed and the stitches taken out.  After examining her, the doctor tells her everything seems to have gone well, and she seems pleased with his work.

The next day, however, she calls the plastic surgeon in a rage.  "You know what you did?" she screams.  "You gave me a MAN'S ears."
 "Well," says the surgeon, "an ear is an ear.  What's wrong?  Can't you hear?"
 "I hear everything," she says.  "The problem is I don't understand anything I'm told."

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A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr.. Schwartz, about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow
you to be cremated with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,  'Schwartz is dead!'

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Two married men are in a pub discussing their love life when one says, "Have you ever tried playing doctor?"

His buddy says, "No. What's it like?"

The man replies, "It's amazing. Me and my wife were playing for about 10 hours."

His buddy, shocked says, "10 hours!? How the hell did you manage that long?"

"I just left her in waiting room for 9 and a half hours."

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Q: Why can't you take a turkey to church?

A: They use FOWL language.


Q: What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo?

A: A turkey that can pluck itself!


Q: What key has legs and can't open doors?

A: A Turkey.


Q: What sound does a turkey's phone make?

A: Wing! Wing!


Q: Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving?

A: A turkey because it is always stuffed.


Q: If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?

A: Their AGE!

Q: Why did the cow go in the spaceship?

A: It wanted to see the mooooooon!


Q: How do chickens get strong?

A: Egg-cersize.