WEEKLY LAUGHS
At the Olympics a man walked up to a competitor who was carrying a very long pole.
"Excuse me, are you a pole vaulter?"
"Nein, I am not a Pole, I am German, but how did you know my name ist Walter?"
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In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner.
Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?
Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.
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"Did you give the prisoner the third degree?" the police sergeant asked the detective.
"Yeah, we browbeat him pretty good," nodded the other. "Asked him every question we could think of."
"And did you get a confession?" asked the sergeant.
"Not exactly," explained the officer. "All he'd say was, 'Yes dear,' and dozed off."
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A Plumber dies in a car accident on his 50th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates.. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.
Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you."
"Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the Plumber sheepishly looks at Saint Peter
and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments,but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive. Is it because I'm a Plumber ?
"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty.
"We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!"
The Plumber is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open.
When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be fifty."
"That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter, "We've added up all your time sheets."
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A little boy goes to his father and asks, "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers, "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: "You got male!"
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Q: What do you call a woodpecker with no beak?
A: A headbanger!
Q: What do you call a big Irish spider?
A: Paddy long legs!
Q: What do you call a cow spying on another cow?
A: A steak out.
Q: What do bees chew?
A: Bumble gum.
Q: What happened when the owl lost his voice
A: He didn't give a hoot
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