WEEKLY LAUGHS
"In Pennsylvania, a 100-year-old woman has broken the world record for the 100-yard dash in her age group. She won with the record-setting time of '"Wednesday.'"
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My ten-month-old was sitting in her high chair, twisting and moving all over the place. My wife who was trying to feed her said to me, "Straighten her up."
I looked at my daughter and said, "What are you doing with your life? Do you want to be this way forever? It's time to grow up and take some responsibility."
My wife hasn't asked me to help with her since.
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Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"
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Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.."
Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"
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"The thrill is gone from my marriage," one buddy told another.
"Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?"
"But what if my wife finds out?"
"Heck, this is a new age we live in. Go ahead and tell her about it!"
So the guy went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together."
"Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried that so many times and it never worked."
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A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested.
Both said they were very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home they found the mailman dead on the porch.
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I was in a couple's home trying to fix their Internet connection. The husband called out to his wife in the other room for the computer password. "Start with a capital S, then 123," she shouted back.
We tried S123 several times, but it didn't work. So we called the wife in. As she input the password, she muttered, "I really don't know what's so difficult about typing 'Start123.'"
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A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch & wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
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If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
I changed my password to "incorrect" so whenever I forget it the computer will say, "Your password is incorrect."
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
Never tell your problems to anyone, because 20 percent don't care and the other 80 percent are glad you have them.
Take my advice — I'm not using it.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.
I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.
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Q: What are the six worst years in a blonde's life.
A: Third grade.
Q: Why do you go to bed?
A: Because the bed won't come to you.
Q: What's the difference between a well-dressed man and a tired dog?
A: The man wears a suit and the dog just pants.
Q: What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
A: Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back.
Q: Why is my Uncle Energizer in jail?
A: Battery.
Q: What do bees chew?
A: Bumble gum.
Q: What happens if you get a gigabyte?
A: It megahertz.
Natalie asked me to include this selection of children’s humour.
Q: How do you make your hanky dance?
A: Put a little boogie in it!
Q: Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
A: Because they taste funny.
Q: What do you call a fairy who does smelly farts?
A: Stinker-bell.
Q: What do you call a girl with sausages on her head?
A: Barbie.
Q: What do you call a boy with rabbits up his nose?
A: Waren.
