WEEKLY LAUGHS
After a checkup, a doctor asked his patient:
“Is there anything you’d like to discuss?”
“Well,” said the patient, “I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.”
“That’s a big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?”
“Yes, we took a vote … and they’re in favour of it 15 to 2.”
A father in a hurry, taking his 8-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light, where it wasn’t allowed.
“Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!”, he said.
“That’s OK, Dad,” his son replied. “The police car right behind us did the same thing.”
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A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head.
The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!"
The blind man replies, "Just looking around."
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A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"
The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"
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A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services, when she was startled to see an intruder there.
She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!' (Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks.
The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, “Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.”
“Scripture?” replied the burglar. “She said she had an Axe and Two 38s!”
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One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels .
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Lots of dust."
And then the fight started...
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One evening after dinner, a five-year-old son noticed that his mother had gone out and he asked, "Where did mommy go?"
His father told him, "Mommy is at a Tupperware party."
This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. "What's a Tupperware party, Dad?"
The man had always given my son honest answers, so he figured a simple explanation would be the best approach. "Well, son," he said, "at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other."
He nodded, indicating that he understood this curious pastime.
Then he burst into laughter. "Come on, Dad," he said. "What is it really?"
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Bob: Want to hear a joke about the letter with no stamp?
Frank: Sure.
Bob: Oh, never mind. You'd never get it!
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Two old men are drinking in a bar. One says, "Did you know that Lions have sex 10 to 15 times a day?"
"Oh bugger!" says his friend, "and I just joined Rotary!"
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Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do it yourself type.
I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it.
I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me.
I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
Money is the root of all wealth.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
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The only cow in a small town in Northern Italy stopped giving milk. So the town folk found they could buy a cow in Sicily quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Sicily. It was absolutely wonderful. it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go to the local veterinarian, Dr. Santucchi, who was very wise, to tell him what was happening and to ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."
The veterinarian rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Sicily?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Sicily.
"You are truly a wise veterinarian," they said.
"How did you know that we got the cow from Sicily?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eyes: "My wife is from Sicily."
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Q. From where do you get steel wool?
A. Shearing hydraulic rams.
Q: How does a physicist exercise?
A: By pumping ion!
Q: Why does someone who runs marathons make a good student?
A: Because education pays off in the long run!
Q: What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
A: Big Foot's been spotted several times.
Q: What do you get when you cross a snake and a kangaroo?
A: A jump rope!
