"I came from a real tough neighbourhood. In the local
restaurant, I sat down and had broken leg of lamb."
After we were wed my wife said to me,
'Now that we're married, you can give up playing that silly guitar'
I said, 'You're beginning to sound like my ex wife'.
She said, 'You didn't tell me you were previously married!?'
'I said, I'm not'.
Why is it when someone goes into a baby changing room
with a baby they always come out with the same one
Following some recent tests at the hospital I got a letter from my doctor.
I read it and said to my wife the doctor says that I need to have
daily sex....
She gasped and took the letter, read it and said...
You idiot - he says you're a dyslexic!
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A man went into a pub and asked for a pint of Guinness.
"I'm sorry, we haven't got any Guinness." the barman replied.
"OK," the man said, "can I have a pint of Guinness then?"
"We haven't got any Guinness!"
The man went out of the pub and came back in again.
"Can I have a pint of Guinness please?" he asked.
The barman said, "I haven't got any G. U. I. N. N. E. F. S. !! "
"There's no F in Guinness." said the man.
"Finally!" said the barman, "That's exactly what I've been trying to tell you!"
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The Doctor told me if I had a
vasectomy I wouldn’t have kids, so I went for it.
So disappointed when I got home and they were still there.
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A pastor went to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after getting his new teeth, he preached for only 8 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 10 minutes.
But the following Sunday, he preached non stop for nearly 3 hours.....until the congregation realized he couldn't quit and finally helped him sit down...Concerned for his health, they asked , "Are you OK? What happened?"
The Pastor explained , "Well the first Sunday with my new gums , my gums were so sore I couldn't preach longer than 8 minutes. The second Sunday I felt I could go a little longer to 10 minutes. But, today I mistakenly put my wife's teeth in, and discovered I couldn't shut up."
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Two Men were out hunting in the outback and came upon a huge
hole in the ground. They approached it and were amazed at its size
and depth.
The first said, "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I
wonder how deep it is."
The second said, “There's an old gear box over there. Let’s throw it in
and see how long it takes to hit bottom.”
Despite it being very heavy, they picked up the gear box, carried it
over to the hole, counted one-two-three, and heaved it in.
As they were standing there looking over the edge of the hole, a
goat come crashing through the bushes, ran up to the hole and
without hesitation, jumped in head first...
They were so mystified by this that they stood staring at each other
in amazement and peered into the hole, trying to figure out what
that was all about...
Just then an old farmer appeared. "Say, you fellers didn't happen to
see my goat?"
The first hunter said, "Funny you should ask. We were just standing
here a minute ago, and a goat came running out of the bushes doing
about a hundred miles an hour and jumped head first into this here
hole!"
The old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible! I had him chained
to an old gear box."
