A vicar was asked to dinner by one of his church members. He knew she was a bad housekeeper, but agreed to come. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest he had ever seen in his life.
“Were these dishes ever washed?” he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.
She replied: “They’re as clean as soap and water could get them.”
He felt a bit uncomfortable, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It as delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.
When the meal was over, the hostess took the dishes, went to the door and yelled: “Here, Soap! Here, Water!”
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Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"
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A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?" "Yes, they help me sleep at night." "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks. And believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night."
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A father texts:
"My Dear Son, Today is a day you will treasure for all the days of your life.
My best love and good wishes. Your Father."
His Son texts back:
"Thanks Dad. But the wedding isn't actually until tomorrow!"
His Father replies: "I know."
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A hungry lion came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.
Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
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A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
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Man: "Be honest, baby... How am I as a lover?"
Woman: "Honey, I would definitely say that you're warm."
Man: "Really?"
Woman: "Yes, my love, my hero, you're 'warm' as the dictionary would say!"
The man, pleased, went home and just for sake of it checked his dictionary, He read, "WARM: Not so hot."
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