So I walked into the pub last night and as I walked past the fruit machine it shouted,
“Who you looking at stupid”?
I got to the bar and there were some peanuts on it, they said, “You look nice today,
have a seat”.
I asked the barman: "What’s with the fruit machine and peanuts?"
He said, “The fruit machine’s out of order and the peanuts are complimentary”.
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After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would
be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the
cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.
"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.
"That's still quite a bit," Tom groused.
Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.
Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real cheap."
So the clerk handed him a mirror.
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Three priests are talking.
“I’ve tried everything,” says the first priest. “I still can’t get rid of our rats in my church.”
“Same here!” says the second priest. “We’ve tried poison, traps, and noise. Nothing works.”
“We don’t have that problem,” says the third priest. “We baptised and confirmed them all, and now they just show up at Easter and Christmas.”
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As a little girl climbed onto the seat next to Santa and he asked her the usual question, ‘What would you like for Christmas?’ The little girl looked at him open mouthed and
horrified for a moment then she gasped, ‘Didn’t you get my email?’
A little boy called Nicholas said to the Santa Claus he met in the Shopping Centre, ‘You and I have the same name.’ Santa replied, ‘Well, hello Harold!’
The nativity play was proceeding as planned & Joseph & Mary were going from house to house knocking on doors & asking if there was any room for them. As they continued to get, ‘no room’ answers, a little voice from the back shouted, ‘you should have booked!’
What children actually sing…….
‘...sleep in heavenly peas.’
‘Joy to the world, the Saviour rains.’
‘Angels we have heard on high, sweetly singing o'er the plane.’
‘While shepherds washed their socks by night.’
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A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising
altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,
“Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293
non-stop from New York to Los Angeles.
The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.
Now sit back and relax – OH, MY GOD!”
Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking,
the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap.
You should see the front of my pants!”
A passenger in Economy said, “That’s nothing. He should see the back of mine!”
