This morning I was sitting on a bench next to a homeless man, I asked him how he ended up this way.
He said, "Up until Last week, I still had it all! All my meals were prepared for me, my room was cleaned, my clothes were washed, pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV, internet, I went to the gym, the pool, the library, I could still go to school."
I asked him, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"
"No, nothing like that," he said. "I got out of prison."
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Some medical questions…
What happened when the chiropodist broke down?
He called a toetruck!
Do chiropodists charge by the foot?
How do heart surgeons get to hospital?
They use the bypass
What do you get if you have an infected organ?
Bach-ache
What do you call it when there are insufficient nurses on the delivery ward?
A mid-wife crisis
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Donald is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!
This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.
Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks,
“What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?”
Blushing, the agent replies,
“I got nervous. I meant to shout Donald Duck"
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A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
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John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said. "Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," John said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said..
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
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A man comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage on the neighbor's back porch, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?"
The guy stumbles around and says, "No.. umm.. no.. I didn't. what happened?"
The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after the kids buried him in the backyard we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There are some real sick people out there!"
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