I went to the liquor store yesterday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Rum and put it in the bicycle basket.
As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break.
So I drank all the Rum before I cycled home.
It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.
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SIGNS
In a shoe store:
We will heel you
We will save your sole
We will even dye for you.
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels.”;
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
You've come to the right place.”;
On a Plumber's truck :
"We repair what your husband fixed.”;
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”;
At a Tyre Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout.”;
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts.”;
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action.”;
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push.”;
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.”;
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”;
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”;
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time.
However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.”;
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”;
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait.”;
In a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak.”;
And the best one for last…;
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"
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A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist's office and declares, "Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!"
The hypnotherapist shakes his head and says. "Not again..."
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A little boy I know told me he knew something about money. I was thrilled that he was learning at school and asked him what it was.
“There is some in my pocket,” he whispered with a huge smile!
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I have a friend addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time he wants.
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The chef at a family-run restaurant had broken her leg and came into our insurance office to file a disability claim. As I scanned the claim form, I did a double take.
Under "Reason unable to work," she wrote: "Can't stand to cook."
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A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go."
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.
"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.
The man quickly answered. "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."
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You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.
I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Old age is coming at a really bad time. When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.
The biggest lie I tell myself is..."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.
I don't have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights"! I'm just very wise.
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KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
Howard.
Howard who?
Howard you like to stand out in the cold while some idiot keeps asking ‘Who’s there’?
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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's a statue," she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2am the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."
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A young woman brought her fiancé home to meet her parents.
After dinner, her mother told her father to find out about the young man. The father invited the fiancé to his study for a talk.
"So, what are your plans?" the father asked the young man. "I am a biblical scholar," he replied. "A biblical scholar, hmmm?" the father said. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?" "I will study," the young man replied, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asked the father. "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replied, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiancé.
The conversation proceeded and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insisted that God would provide.
Later, the mother asked, "How did it go, honey?"
The father answered, "He has no job and no plans and he thinks I'm God."
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