Knock, knock, Who’s there?
Scold. Scold who?
Scold outside, let me in!
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Some short jokes
The best thing about being over 40 is that we did all our stupid stuff before the invention of the internet… so there is no proof…
I was browsing in a second hand bookshop and found a book entitled
"A beginners guide to surgical operations."
When I opened it there was no appendix.
Just won a competition, for muscle wastage. Now I've got a trophy!
BREAKING: The English Cricket Board announce they have appointed
tennis world number one Novak Djokovic as a temporary batting
coach.
"We acknowledge he doesn't have a background in our sport, but we
couldn't overlook the fact it took two weeks for Australia to get
him out!"
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A husband and wife wake up one morning. The husband leans over to kiss his wife on the cheek.
“Don’t touch me, I’m dead,” his wife said. ”What on earth are you talking about,” he said, “We’re both lying here talking”.
The wife replies, “I know, but I’m definitely dead”.
“You can’t be dead… what in the world makes you think you are dead?”
His wife replies, “I must be dead. I woke up this morning and nothing hurts!”
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My nephew had a school assignment to interview an “old person” about his life, so he asked me, “What was the biggest historical event that happened during your childhood?”
“I’d have to say the moonwalk,” I replied.
He looked disappointed…
“That dance was so important to you?”
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A doctor holidaying in Europe met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.
The lawyer replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?”
The doctor replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I had? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds.” The lawyer looked puzzled.
“Gee,” he asked, “how did you start the flood?”
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Things Confucius did not say……but wishes he did:
Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.
Lady who goes camping with man must beware of evil intent.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, but man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Wise man does not keep sledge hammer and slow computer in same room.
And, Confucius Did Not Say. . .
"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but Tiger Wood!”
