The big chess tournament was taking place at the Plaza in New York. After the first day's
An elderly couple are attending church services. About halfway through the service,
the man writes a note and hands it to his wife. It says, " I just let out a silent fart,
what do you think I should do?" She scribbles back, " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
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An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in her paintings
that were on display.
"Well, I have good news and bad news," the owner responded. "The good news
is that a gentleman noticed your work and wondered if it would appreciate in
value after your death. I told him it would and he bought all 10 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"The gentleman was your doctor."
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My wife told me l've grown as a person.
Her actual word were "you've gotten fat", but I know what she meant
I want to start a band called Iceberg. Our first album will be
Just The Tip.
I went to get tickets for the snooker championships, but the cues were too long
I’ve just been to my Plastic Surgery Addicts Support Group meeting.
Quite a lot of new faces there today.
There are disputes at the meteorological office, over pay and conditions.
The unions have called for a lightning strike!
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I wondered if I could get my husband to address Christmas cards, as I had so
much to do. I arranged everything we needed, then hopefully pulled up a chair
and said, "Come on, Dear, let's get these out of the way."
He glanced at the array on the table, turned away and went into the den, only
to return moments later with a high stack of cards, stamped, sealed, and addressed.
"They're last year's," he said. "I forgot to mail them. Now let's go out
to dinner and relax. You've been working too hard."
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When Rod's wife ran away he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to
see a psychiatrist. Rod told the psychiatrist his troubles and said,
"Life isn't worth living."
"Don't be stupid, Rod," said the psychiatrist. "Let work be your salvation.
I want you to totally submerge yourself in your work.
Now, What do you do for a living?"
"I clean out septic tanks." Rod replied.
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As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, I'm sure of one thing:
it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
I haven't gotten anything done today. I've been in the Produce Department trying
to open this stupid plastic bag.
Turns out that being a "senior" is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas
I'm on two simultaneous diets. I wasn't getting enough food on one.
I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the little liar will stay until
it apologizes.
My mind is like an internet browser. At least 18 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen,
and I have no clue where the music is coming from.
Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang,
I picked it up without knowing who was calling.
There is no such thing as a grouchy old person. The truth is that once you get old,
you stop being polite and start being honest.
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An "older" gentleman works for a Bunnings store, helping direct customers at
the entrance. He's a great success with customers and staff and everyone loves him.
He has an easy way with people, but has one fault.
He is always late arriving for work in the morning.
When it was time for the manager to call him in for a review of his work, he was full
of praise, affirming the staff member, telling him about all the good reports he'd heard
about him.
He gently tries to bring up the matter of his lack of punctuality.
"You used to be in the Navy, I believe?
What did they say to you when you arrived late then?"
"They would say: 'Good morning, Admiral, may I get you a coffee?' "
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Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, who
was a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, "We don't serve
your kind in here."
One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not?
We're cultured individuals."
