A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning. But during the second half, a centipede scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game.
When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, "Where were you during the first half?"
He replied, "Putting on my shoes!"
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A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house, a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."
The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why don't you cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."
"Hmmm," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did.
"I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much extra work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doc said, your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?
"Well, just like you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."
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A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear," replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said, 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
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My brother Scott brought over a photo album of his camping trip. One picture showed a brown bear helping itself to his food. "What kind of bear is that?" I asked.
"It's called a Kodiak," Scott replied.
"Oh, yeah?" my husband Keith shot back. "And I suppose those white ones in the Arctic are called Polaroids."
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I went to the liquor store Thursday afternoon on my bicycle, bought two bottles of wine and put it in the bicycle basket.
As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottles would break.
So I drank all the wine before I cycled home.
It turned out to be a very good decision because I fell off my bicycle four times on the way home.
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Two Greens voters are filling up at a petrol station, and the first Greenie says to the second, “I bet these awful fuel prices are going to go even higher.”
The second Greenie replies, “Won’t affect me, I always put in just $20 worth.”
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There was a discussion about the cost of entry into Premiership football matches where ticket prices of £60 or £100 per game is not uncommon.
An elderly chap being interviewed said he could recall many years ago arriving at the turnstiles when the attendant greeted him with:
“That will be ten quid, mate."
“What???” the old chap said, "I could get a woman for that!"
Without batting an eyelid, the fellow on the turnstile retorted, "Not for 45 minutes each way with a brass band and a meat pie in the Interval.
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Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning.
It was a fine spring day in his new parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was . . . a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a donkey lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the Irish accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied:
"Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a moment . . ..
Then Father O'Malley then replied:
"Aye,' tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."
.jpg "President Ian Mc Kay & wife Sherril")
