a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked,
'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'
She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were
a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat
on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.
You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you'll never amount
to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room
and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too.
He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship
with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention
he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll jail you both for life!
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An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch
he turned to his mother and said, ‘The soup is cold.’ His astonished mother exclaimed,
‘Son, I've waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing.
Why haven't you spoken before?’ The boy looked at her and replied, ‘Up until now,
everything has been satisfactory.’
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A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath,
and stopped inches from a shop window. For a second, everything was quiet in the cab.
Then the driver said, ‘Look, mate, don't ever do that again.
You scared the living daylights out of me!’ The passenger apologized and said,
‘I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much.’
The driver replied, ‘Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver
— I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.’
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Mother's Day. Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning.
As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.
But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting
at the table eating bacon and eggs. ‘As a surprise for Mother's Day,’ one explained,
‘we decided to cook our own breakfast.’
