An Irish Priest transferred to Texas:
Father O’Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
“Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?”
“And the best of the day to yerself. This is Father O’Malley at St. Ann’s Catholic Church. There’s a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple of’yer lads to take care of the matter?”
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, “Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!”
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment… Father O’Malley then replied, “Aye, ’tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call.”
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I went outside to check on my plants.
Suddenly I felt something cold and wet on my arm.
I looked down and saw a mosquito using a wet wipe before he bit me.
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The reason there are so many Irish
jokes is because the Irish have a quaint way with words.
Like the Irish patient who hobbled into the Surgery waiting room ...
"I hope to God the doctor finds something wrong with me because I'd hate to feel like this if I was well!"
"Your glass is empty O'Flaherty, will you be having another?"
"And why would I be wanting two empty glasses?" replied O'Flaherty.
Murphy arrived home late from the pub, well-oiled and ready for trouble.
"Is that you Murphy?" called his wife.
"By jasis! It damned well better be!"
Paddy and Shamus were hitchhiking.
"It's best if we split up" said Paddy.
"I will meet you in the next city under the town hall clock".
Later that night Shamus was waiting at the appointed place when Paddy drove up in a swank car.
"Where the hell did you get that?"
Paddy explained that he had just walked a little way when a beautiful woman picked him up.
She drove into the woods, got out and took all her clothes off.
"She said I could have anything I wanted, so I took the car." said Paddy.
"Good choice too" said Shamus. "You'd look ridiculous in her clothes."
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There is this Frog who finds he is attracted to human girls.
Of course, apart from only speaking " Frog ", no human girl will pay him any attention.
One day at the local shopping center there is a Psychic.
So he hops in. She gives him a reading and tells him that he is going to meet a beautiful curvaceous 18 year old school girl who will pay him plenty of attention.
The frog asks if he will meet her at a party. The Psychic replies.
" No not at a party in her Biology Class "
