It's a five-minute walk from my house to the pub.
It's a thirty-five minutes from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
I don't want to end the year on a bad note.
So apologize to me.
I just got a job at the Guillotine Factory.
I'll be heading there shortly.
My wife asked if her appendix scar made her unattractive.
Apparently, "don't worry, your boobs will cover it" was not the answer she was looking for.
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Our men's swimming group meet daily at 7.30 for an ocean swim. The women's group the Mermaids (what else) are also in the water.
Being blokes we are a little slow in coming up with a suitable group name but one of the ladies had a sudden flash of brilliance and solved our problem.
Over the last few days there has been a number of blue bottle jelly fish in the water and a mermaid remarked- ah yes the blue bottles - you have to be careful, they are the ones with the long .. test.icles.
Our new men's group name is now officially the Blue Bottles-caricature logo underway - merch out soon.
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A young man wanting to earn some extra money decided to hire himself out as a handy man and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood. He went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for him to do.
“Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,” the owner said. “How much will you charge me?”
The man quickly responded: “How about $50?”
The owner agreed and told him that the paint and everything he would need were in the garage.
The man’s wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband: “Does he realise that our porch goes all the way around the house?”
The husband shrugged and went off on his way. A short time later, the man came to the door to collect his money.
“You’re finished already?” the husband asked.
“Yes,” the man replied, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”
Impressed, the owner reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to him.
“And by the way,” the man added, “it’s not a Porch, it’s a Lexus.”
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Husband takes his wife to a disco.
There’s a guy on the dance floor dancing like a king –moonwalking, break dancing, head spins, the works.
The wife turns to her husband and sighs: "You see that man? 25 years ago he asked me to marry him and I said no."
Husband says: "Yep, it looks like he’s still celebrating!!"
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A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, "Great...he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?""Just one." gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"
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She was only the whisky maker's daughter, but he loved her still.
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Mr. Combs had a furniture store specializing in ornate antiques in the baroque style. He had walking pneumonia last month but was at the store anyway. He was in one of the baroque style chairs rubbing Vicks Vaporub on his aching chest when he serendipitously discovered that the soothing ointment gave the furniture a wonderful, deep, rich shine.
He immediately told the other furniture store owners since their furniture was more modern in style and they were not competitors. Soon he got reports that the Vicks treatment not only failed to work on the modern furniture, but ruined some of it. Mr. Combs is very unpopular now, and his only consolation is that he learned one important rule:
If it's not baroque, don't Vicks it.
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An Indian woman goes to see an Indian fortune-teller.
"Two men are in love with me," she says. "Who will be the lucky one?"
The swami answers, "Nimesh will marry you. Akshay will be the lucky one."
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