A new business is open and one of the owner’s friends wants to send him flowers
for the occasion. They arrive at the business site and the owner reads the card:
“Rest in Peace.”
Understandably the owner is angry and calls the florist to complain. After he tells the florist the obvious mistake and how angry he is, the florist replies, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this. Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a card saying, ‘Congratulations on your new location.’”
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"Jill," a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall, "do you mind telling me whose class you're skipping this time?"
"Like," the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay, like it's like, I really don't like, think like, that's really important, y'know, like because I'm, y'know, like I don't get anything out of it."
"It's Mrs. Smiths' English class, isn't it?" replied the smiling teacher.
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A cleaning woman was applying for a new position.
When asked why she left her last employment, she replied,
Yes sir, they paid good wages, but it was the most ridiculous place
I ever worked.
They played a game called Bridge, and last night lots of folks
were there. As I was about to bring in the refreshments,
I heard a man say, "Lay down and let me see what you've got.'
Another man said, "I've got strength but no length."
Another man said to a lady, "Take your hand off my trick."
I pretty near dropped dead just then, when the lady answered,
"You jumped me twice when you didn't have the strength for one raise."
Another lady was talking about her protecting her honour,
Two other ladies said, "Now it's time for me to play with your
husband and you can play with mine."
Well, I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving,
I hope to die if I didn't hear someone say,
"Well, I guess we'll go home now, that was the last rubber."
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While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn their motorhome around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for one minute
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the motorhome, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the man opened his window and yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."
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During the training class, the skydiving instructor would take time to answer any first-timer questions.
One guy asked: “If our chute doesn’t open, and the reserve chute doesn’t open, how long do we have till we hit the ground?”
The jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan answered: “The rest of your life.”
