A man was driving down the street when he saw a flash in his rear view mirror.
He realised he'd just passed a speed camera but was sure he was well within the limit.
So to check the accuracy of the camera he drove past again, well under the speed limit.
The camera flashed but now he was satisfied it was faulty and feeling very smug.
Next week he received two infringement notices for not wearing a seat belt!
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Guy walks into a psychologist’s office.
He declares, “Doctor, Doctor! I’m a wigwam,
I’m a Tepee, I’m a wigwam, I’m a Tepee!”
Doctor interrupts and says,
“Calm down! You’re two tents.”
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The door in my new flat works by voice recognition, but only when I sing.
Got home the other night and the bloody thing didn't open.
I then realised that I was using the wrong key...
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A man was driving down the road with a tiger in his car in the passenger seat.
A policeman pulled him over and said “it’s illegal to have a tiger.
Take him to the zoo.”
The man said “ ok officer.” And drove off.
Next day the same man in the same car drove down the same road with the
same tiger in the car. This time the tiger had sun glasses and a sun hat on.
The same policeman pulled him over. He said “I told you to take that tiger to the zoo.”
The man replies “I did officer, we had a great day. We’re going to the beach today.”
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I have been unable to sleep since I broke off your engagement to my daughter.
Will you forgive and forget? I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk, tattoo and
pierced nose. I now realize motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really
should not have reacted that way to the fact that you have never held a job.
I am also very sure that some other very nice people live under the ...bridge in the park, too.
Sure my daughter is only 18 and wants to marry you instead of going to University on
full scholarship. After all, you can't learn everything about life from books.
I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now
come to my senses and you have my full blessing to marry my daughter.
Sincerely, Your future father-in-law.
P.S. Congratulations on winning the £100 million on the lottery!
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Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, who was a tub of cottage cheese,
says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here."
One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."
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Patient: My stomach is getting awfully big, doctor.
Doctor: You should diet.
Patient: Really? What color?
